3:13 p.m. - 2002-02-15
Good Rules of Thumb
I remember this one time I was walking down the street in downtown San Diego, with a bag of gummi worms in my pocket. It was Mardi Gras, I believe, because there was lots of drunken, wild kids around.
As I walked past this one girl, I held out a gummi worm towards her, jokingly offering it to her.
Surprisingly, she immediately grabbed it and put it in her mouth...We both continued walking, and not a word was said.
I couldn't believe she did that...I mean, I wouldn't take food from a stranger and put it in my mouth. She had no clue where my hands had been that night! How does she know that I hadn't artificially inseminated a cow right before I handed her that gummi worm. Luckily for her, I hadn't.
Her mother must not have taught her about taking candy from strangers.
But, the first thing that crossed my twisted mind, when she ate my gummi worm, was this: "Damn, if I had known she was going to put it in her mouth, I would've rubbed the gummi worm on my ballsac before I handed it to her."
Good rule of thumb for guys: Always rub candy on your testicles before offering it to a young lady. It'll be your little secret when she puts it in her mouth. If she says something like, "Mmm, this is good," try not to snicker with laughter.
Ladies, you can take part in the fun too....Why not rub a candy item on your anus before handing it to an unsuspecting gentleman. He'll think you're the sweetest little thing for giving him candy. But little does he know....
I wouldn't recommend rubbing the candy item on your vagina though, ladies. There are too many guys who might enjoy that. In fact, you could probably make money doing that.
Yes, your best bet is to stick to the anus. The point here is to be secretly offensive and disgusting to the unsuspecting victim, without them knowing. Don't feel guilty about it though...It's their own fault for taking candy from a stranger.
When parents teach kids not to take candy from strangers, I think the reason is because of the poison risk. They also warn you not to eat unwrapped foods on Halloween.
Parents nowadays are paranoid about poison, for some reason...I guess in the 50's and 60's there was a big poison problem with the Baby Boomer generation.
Poisoning kids is out of style now, though, I think.
The trend of tomorrow will be the rules of thumb I have taught you today. Consider it the food poisoning of the future! And, if you start following my advice now, you'll be ahead of the game.
Lord knows I am.
