12:49 p.m. - 2004-06-15
School's out for the summer
Here's how my brain works:
I'm sitting here at work right now, bored off my ass because I have nothing to do, so I've been surfing the internet.
I have seen everything.
I have reached the end of the internet.
Then, out of nowhere, my brain thought of old homework assignments I had done way back when, in junior high school.
"Way back when" being 12-13 years ago.
I was thinking of how many of my assignments had no educational value whatsoever. One time, in 7th grade, we had to read aloud to our classmates the lyrics of our favorite romantic love song.
Honest.
I read the lyrics of "Stand By Me" by Ben E. King.
"If the sky that we look upon should tumble and fall, or the mountains should crumble to the sea, I won't cry, I won't cry, no I won't shed a tear, just as long as you stand, stand by me.".....Etc.
Romantic!
No educational value whatsoever!
Was my teacher a dirty hippie or what? What did I learn?
I learned that Ben E. King won't cry if his lover stands next to him during an apocalyptic armageddon.
Big deal.
In 8th grade, I just remembered, I did this other assignment where we had to cut out a photo from a magazine, glue it to the top of a shoebox, and create a tactile representation of the photo in the shoebox. With a hole cut in the side of the box, you were supposed to be able to reach in and feel what you were seeing in the picture.
Here's what I did, if you don't understand: I found a photo of a slug crawling on top of a mushroom.
I put some Vaseline on a sheet of Saran Wrap, and rolled it up into a little tube. I took half of an orange and glued it to a glue stick. I put the little Saran Wrapped tube of Vaseline on top of the orange. I put some grass down there. When you reached in to the shoebox and felt this crap, it felt like a slug crawling on a mushroom.
An educational assignment for an art class, right?
True.
Except this was for an English Literature class.
No wonder American kids are stupid.
"Instead of reading Oliver Twist today, children, we're all going to play with Vaseline."
Dummies.
Which brings me back to the first sentence of my entry:
Here's how my brain works:
I was wishing I could go back in time and redo that assignment. It's no fun to make my classmates pretend to feel a slug crawling on a mushroom.
My brain just now thought it would be funny to get a photo of a large erect penis with some dangling, hairy testicles, and glue that sucker to the top of a shoebox.
Inside you could have a sausage link glued to a little leather coin pouch. You could glue little hairs to the coin pouch. You could put some hair at the bottom of the sausage. You could paste a mushroom at the tip of the sausage.
When you reached in that damn shoebox and felt that shit, it would feel like you were touching an erect penis with hairy balls. The mushroom would feel like the head of the penis.
That's what my brain thought would be a funny thing to do, for an 8th grade assignment.
Shock the teacher with that shit.
But here's how my brain works:
Not 5 seconds had passed from the time I thought of that penis idea, before my brain told me that it would be even funnier if the top of the shoebox had a photo of a mushroom glued to the tip of a sausage, and a hairy leather coin pouch attached to the base. Inside the shoebox, you could have an actual severed penis that you stole from the morgue.
Hopefully the cadaver died with an erection, so that the penis would be stiff.....You know, otherwise it wouldn't feel like the sausage in the photo. Hopefully you'd be able to cut the penis off while the body was still in a state of Rigor Mortis, so everything would be rock-hard.
If the penis you got ended up being limp, you'd have to go back and take a new photo for the shoebox lid using a limp, droopy sausage.....But that just seems like a lot of work for a little 8th grade homework assignment.
Either that or give a guy a handjob in an alley and then murder him as his penis is erect. Hopefully, you can get that shit sawed off, throw it in the shoebox and take it to class before the thing goes limp.
Whichever's easier.....
Anyways, that's how my brain works.
Well, depending on your definition of the word "works".......
