5:28 a.m. - 2002-09-15
Punish me, please
Sometimes when I drink, I'm not happy until I've committed a major felony.
Tonight was one of those nights.
After a night of drinking profuse amounts of whiskey, we climbed up onto the roof of a print shop, and found a secret passage through the roof; some ventilation system of some sort.
My roommate and I decided that if we went home and got some gloves and masks, we could come back and easily climb down into the print shop, steal a few Macintosh computers or so, and then break through the front door and make our getaway.
So, we went home, grabbed some gloves for our hands, and some bandanas to wear around our faces.
My concern was breathing in asbestos while crawling through the dingy, dark passageways of the roof area of the building.
I put my gloves on, and tied the bandana around my face.
I looked like a fucking trainrobber.
I looked like a regular Felony Fred.
A regular Burglar Bob.
I drove all the way back to the print shop with my full robber gear on. If I had gotten pulled over by law enforcement, not only would I have been drunk, but I would've had a full trainrobber wardrobe on as well.
So, we got back to the place, climbed onto the roof, and crawled into the dark ventilation system......only to realize that the shit didn't lead anywhere. It was a dead end.
We were able to open up the sunroof leading down into a gym next door to the print shop, but we had no interest in stealing Bowflex machines at 3:00 a.m.
So, sadly, we drove to the nearest train station, figuring that we could at least steal some "Don't feed the pigeons" signs before going home. We didn't want to go home empty-handed.
We tried using a wrench, a screwdriver, and our own brute strength....The fucking "Don't feed the pigeons" signs would not come undone.
We ended up going home empty-handed.
We didn't get to break into any buildings, burglarize any Macintosh computers, or steal any signs from the train station.
How depressing....
There's nothing worse than WANTING to commit a crime and not being able to.
After a long night of whiskey drinking, a guy in this free country of ours should be able to break the law if he wants to.
I should have the right to commit grand larceny if I so desire.
It's my constitutional right to be arrested for breaking and entering, if that's my wish.
Nobody wants to go home at the end of a drunken night without cops chasing them.
I sure as hell don't want to go home at the end of the night unless I'm being trailed by police commandos.
What fun is NOT being followed by law enforcement?!
If I wanted to NOT break the law, I'd just go volunteer my time as a bingo announcer at the old folks' home, rather than going out to bars and chugging bottles of whiskey all night long.
If I wanted to go to sleep on a Saturday night WITHOUT handcuffs around my wrists, I'd just spend the entire night at home, watching reruns of Family Ties on Nick At Nite, rather than going to dark buildings at 3:00 a.m., dressed like a fucking 1800's cattle thief.
What's a guy gotta do nowadays to commit a fucking crime?!
What's a guy gotta do nowadays to have cops chase him down the highway as he swerves drunkenly from lane to lane and throws stolen evidence out of his speeding car?!
All I want to do is break into the ventilation system of a building while I'm drunk and rob the place. And maybe set fire to the building to destroy evidence.....
And possibly murder any witnesses who might see me commit the crime....
Is that so much to ask?
