7:37 p.m. - 2005-03-22
Trenchcoat Killers
It looks like some loner trenchcoat-wearing, zit-faced high school dork went on a shooting spree at his school again. He killed 9 people and then turned the gun on himself.
I'm sure you heard about it. It'll be the major news story for the next 2 1/2 months.
He was probably a virgin.
What I don't get though is, uh...Well, I just have some advice for any kids who plan on going on a shooting spree in the future:
If you're a virgin/homosexual, and everybody picks on you because you're not popular, and nobody ever wants to play Dungeons & Dragons with you, and none of the music stores in your little town sell Judas Priest or Megadeth CDs, and it feels like nobody understands your neo-Nazi leanings, and all the cheerleaders at your school laugh at you in the halls, and your life overall sucks, and you hate everybody including yourself........why don't you just become a rapist, instead of going on a shooting spree?
At least you'd get something out of it.
You could still wear your trenchcoat.
I know you like your trenchcoat.
In fact, your trenchcoat could help you. It would make the rapes easier to accomplish, because you could be naked underneath WITH a condom already covering your little 4" long, 15-year-old erect penis.
See, if you wear a condom when you rape all of the popular girls, you won't leave any of that nasty DNA evidence at the crime scene. Make sure your pubic hair is nice and shaved too.
That shit has DNA in it too.
Walk right up to one of the sexy cheerleaders, throw your trenchcoat on the ground, and go to town.
Or rape the guys at your school instead of the girls, if that's your thing.
It's okay. You can admit it.
I mean, you ARE wearing a trenchcoat....
Same with those Columbine guys. They went bowling together and videotaped home-made army movies with themselves before going on a shooting spree.
I'm sure they looked "abtholutely fabuluth" in their matching trenchcoats.
I just have a feeling that all high school shooting sprees are perpetrated by irate virgins and/or closet homosexuals. And if that's the case, then it seems like sexual gratification would be more rewarding before you kill yourself than just killing other people.
I'm just wondering why all the dork teenage kids who go on shooting sprees always wear trenchcoats.
They are giving trenchcoats a bad name.
It used to be guys like Humphrey Bogart and Columbo and Dick Tracy who wore trenchcoats.
The good guys.
Not society's rejects.
What happened?
Is the trenchcoat to blame?
So...I decided to go on a vigilante mission here in my hometown, to prevent some trenchcoated loser from going on a shooting spree at one of the high schools in my hometown.
Were there any people in my town putting up red flags? Anybody wearing a trenchcoat and acting suspicious?
"Who," I thought to myself, "fits all the characteristics of the typical shooting spree perpetrator? He would be wearing a trenchcoat, possibly a closet homosexual, somebody who would have easy access to a high school without getting searched for weapons."
A suspect immediately popped into my mind:
I bet McGruff keeps a shotgun hidden in his trenchcoat.
He's probably a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. I've never seen him with a girl either. And how do I know he doesn't log on to neo-Nazi websites when he's at home?
I decided to take a bite out of crime.
So I called my local police station and informed them of McGruff's evil plot to go on a shooting spree. I told them he had detailed plans of shooting 15 kids at a local high school before turning the gun on himself.
Thanks to my quick thinking, he was apprehended before he could harm anybody. Here's the local police department proudly displaying their new prisoner:
See....the scumbag has pants on underneath his trenchcoat.
That means he was only interested in shooting people, and not raping them. Too bad he couldn't read this here diary entry and take my advice.
Scumbag.
Oh well, maybe his cock is hanging out the zipper hole.
