12:21 a.m. - 2004-07-13
Women's Lib XVI
I don't write about serious stuff much.
Or important stuff.
Well, I take that back....I don't write about serious stuff much, but I guess I do talk about important things.
I talk about my balls, and me getting drunk and vomiting, and child porn, and dead kittens, and important things like that.
And my rectum.
Important things like that...
But not really serious stuff, per se.
Back in the day, when I had boring, serious stuff to talk about, or some important preachy point to force down people's throats, I would reward people for sitting through my boring lecture....I would reward them with "bonus fun", in the form of a Women's Lib entry.
I had an entry once called "Boring Computer Entry with Bonus Fun" and one called "Preachy Current Events Entry with Bonus Fun".
I meant to do that on my previous entry....I meant for it to be called "Political Rant with Bonus Fun"...But I ran out of time. And it ended up just being a political rant.
Tough!
Live with it!
But, since I love you and the rest of my readers so much, I will now give you the bonus fun you deserve....albeit late bonus fun.
Albeit means "although it is".....
Idiot.
I will give you now:
My Women's Lib entries, of course, are a monthly feature in which I get a cute, cuddly, innocent, sweet, little, adorable, young female to write about the disgustingly vile and un-ladylike topic of my choice.
I usually make them write about things that they do, that they don't generally share with society. Sometimes, I make them write about bodily functions that I don't do myself, and therefore am wholly unfamiliar with, such as menstruation and defecation.
Stuff like that is gross. I choose not to do it myself.
And, of course, I can't have Women's Lib entries....without women. And so I always ask female volunteers to send a mandatory picture of themselves to [email protected] and let me know of their interest in writing a future Women's Lib entry.
Another thing I don't ever do, by the way, is "break wind".
It's gross.
I'm not gross.....
Therefore, I don't do it.
I know a girl who does though. Well, I don't know her.....But she was willing to write a Women's Lib entry.
She's a 22-year-old college student from Provincetown, Massachusetts who enjoys figure skating. She has her own online diary that she writes in....as she sits at her computer and stinks up her house, I'm assuming.
Here's her picture:
She doesn't want anybody to know her real name....but she goes by the fake name of Galaxy. Here's what she wrote about her experiences with flatulation:
i have a nice story about flatulation. i was young and nervous and in love with my first boyfriend. i flew to his childhood home for christmas one time several years ago. he picked me up at the airport and we drove to his sister's old apartment that wasn't too far from his kid house. i settled in, we cuddled in bed, and in the midst of our cuddlement i performed a sexual act on him, a nice, take-your-time, perfectly executed sexual act, and then we fell asleep.
later he told me that in my sleep i had uh, broken wind. he laughed as he said it sounded like a train was going through the room. i was horrified. i was ashamed. girls are just not supposed to do that sort of thing, especially after nice romp under the sheets, when you would do anything to preserve the romantic mood. i had successfully thwarted the image of perfection that i was hoping to convey.
ttthhbbbrrrrrtrrtttttttttt.
what it must have sounded like kept vibrating through my skull for the rest of the day.
i'm not a particularly farty kind of person. i don't do it in public, or to amuse friends or loved ones, because i'm a proper sort of girl. however, there was a time when i was in bed with my second boyfriend, adam, whom i hated, and who was sleeping, and i purposely let out a big one in the hopes that the smell might infiltrate his nostrils and cause an awful nightmare or something. i chuckled to my skunky self after i did it.
that's my story.
Hopefully any future boyfriends of hers will read this and buy her some Beano before they sleep with her.
I find it interesting that she is like the Freddy Krueger of Flatulence.
Farty Krueger....
Trying to infiltrate people's minds while they sleep and kill them.
But she uses her repulsive fecal-smelling ass gas to destroy them, rather than a razor claw glove.
It makes me wonder if she actually can infiltrate their minds in their sleep, and get inside of their nightmares.....
Like if they're dreaming of themselves being in a dark factory or boiler room of some sort, with rusty pipes and chains hanging everywhere, and no visible exit from the building. Flickering lights above, in classic spooky fashion.
And then, as the boyfriend is wandering around in the dark, trying to find an exit, not knowing if this is real or a dream, he'd hear the sound of a thunderous locomotive. But it's not a train....It's Farty Krueger.
She would hop out from behind a crate or something, and start chasing him with her exposed anus, blowing rotten fecal wind in his direction.
One...two...Farty's coming for you...
Three...four...You better lock the door...
Five...Six...Grab your crucifix...
Seven...eight...you better stay up late...
Nobody would want to fall asleep when this Galaxy girl is near them, because she would infiltrate their dreams and destroy them with her gas.
I think that would make an okay horror movie. They need to make a movie about Farty Krueger. This Galaxy girl should sell the rights to her life story to Hollywood.
She's the original Farty Krueger.
Maybe she could even play herself...as long as Jennifer Love Hewitt or somebody doesn't get cast in the role.
Eventually, they'll be able to do "Farty vs. Jason"....The fans will pay to see that.
It'd be a close battle, I think.
As long as Jason doesn't rip her intestines out with his machete....
If Jason did that, he'd probably win.
I think Farty Krueger would probably need her intestines in order to truly harness her powers.
I've been writing so much about this Galaxy girl now, aka Farty Krueger, that I'm starting to frighten myself.
I'm giving myself the heebie-jeebies.
I want to stay awake all night, drinking coffee, and snorting coke, so that I won't fall asleep.
If I fall asleep, she might get me....
And I'm too young to breathe in the stench of her ass. I have my whole life ahead of me.
Nine...ten...you'll never sleep again.
I want my mommy.
