12:21 p.m. - 2004-05-25
Super Sizing My Penis in Las Vegas
So, this is what I want to do:
I saw this documentary called "Super Size Me" about a guy who decides to eat McDonalds every single day, three meals a day, for an entire month to see what health effects it has on him.
It ends up making him gain about 25 pounds in the course of the month, as well as dangerously affecting his liver nearly to the point of liver failure.
Then, I was thinking about that "Leaving Las Vegas" movie with Nicolas Cage in which he goes to Las Vegas to die by drinking himself to death.
He drinks nothing but alcohol. No water, or orange juice, or Tang, or Kool-Aid, or Hi-C, or Coke, or Pepsi, or Snapple, or Juicy Juice, or milk, or grapefruit juice, or Mountain Dew, or Sprite, or 7-Up, or Sobe, or root beer, or cream soda, or apple juice, or any juice for that matter, or any soda for that matter, or anything........
Only alcohol.
Not even Juicy Juice.
In "Leaving Las Vegas", Nicolas Cage's character over-indulges on alcohol. In "Super Size Me", the filmmaker/narrator over-indulges on McDonalds.
But, whereas "Leaving Las Vegas" is a fictional movie, "Super Size Me" is a true-to-life documentary.
I want to make my own documentary, in that fashion.
I want to touch upon the subject of over-indulgement, like the two movies I've mentioned.
What I want to do is masturbate non-stop for one month while a film crew documents the effects it has on me both physically and mentally.
It will be entitled "Super Sizing My Penis in Las Vegas"....
I need to get proper financing from a studio, so that I can afford to quit work for a month to make my film. Plus, I'll need financing to buy the film and sound equipment.
Maybe I can get backing from Michael Moore or Morgan Spurlock, the man behind "Super Size Me".
The rules will be simple: I can do nothing but masturbate for one month. When my right hand gets tired, I will use my left hand, and vice versa. I cannot stop vigorously tugging on my penis for any reason, with the exception of sleep.
I can sleep for only 6 hours per night, and must resume masturbating again immediately upon awaking.
I can't even stop tugging on my penis while urinating, even if that means that I accidentally get urine all over my toilet and bathroom floor.
Big deal! I do that anyways!
During the course of my 30-day experiment, I will not be allowed to have sex either. I can only use my hands.
Sacrifices must be made in the name of documentary filmmaking!
I will need an on-call urologist to be by my side at all times, to monitor the effects on my penis. I imagine, for instance, that by Day 5 my penis will be chapped, bloody, and possibly gangrenous from the constant friction.
What effect will this masturbation experiment have on my testicles? Will they explode?
My documentary will seek to answer these questions.
I will be checked once a week for my blood pressure to make sure I don't have a heart attack. I will need to have groceries delivered to my apartment, since I will more than likely be holed up in my apartment for the entire month. Unless I can get the proper permits and licenses that will allow me to go outside and masturbate in public.
At the end of the 30-day period, I will have one final health test to monitor the effects of the experiment on my body.....if my heart has not exploded by that point.
Maybe my testicles, by that point, will be fully deflated and hollow, like empty balloons.
Maybe I will have bloody sores and bruises on my upper thighs from the constant slapping of my testicles as I masturbated for 30 days straight.
My experiment has never been done, and so nobody knows the effects it will have.
I will keep a journal, also, to see how many times I actually ejaculated. I'm guessing it will be 90 times.
Thrice a day.
When all is said and done, I fully expect to have a bloody, scabby, tube of infected, rotting meat hanging between my legs.
But, if I can get the proper financing to make this documentary, and get it distributed to theaters worldwide, it'll be worth it.
Obviously, I hope to get it into the Cannes and Sundance film festivals. If I hurry, I might even be able to release my film this year, which will put it in the running to compete against "Super Size Me" and "Fahrenheit 9/11" for the Best Documentary Oscar.
My new documentary will be very similar to a previous "documentary" that I filmed once with my little computer webcam, as my image was broadcast LIVE to a "Priests and Nuns" chat room.....But my new documentary will be much more legitimate and high-budget.
Now I just need the financing. To buy a nice camera and cover me for one month's worth of work, plus groceries, etc., I'm expecting my needed budget to be roughly $4,000.
If any of my readers want to contribute to that, be my guest. I will list every financial contributor to my film as a Co-Producer in the credits of my documentary.
If I don't get the proper funding to make my film, I think I'm still going to embark on my experiment anyways, just because I'm curious about it.
It wouldn't be the first time I quit a job so that I could masturbate more often.
Only thing is, I won't get to film it.....Which means you and the rest of America won't get to watch me on the big screen as I masturbate non-stop for a month.
I know, I know, it's a horrible thought....
Kinda makes you want to contribute money to my movie, doesn't it?
