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6:13 p.m. - 2004-03-15
Balls well that ends well
I guess somebody maybe bought me a gift of a Diaryland Gold Membership. I got an e-mail yesterday from Diaryland saying that my Gold Membership will expire in 30 days.

Okay.

I didn't know I had a Gold Membership. It allows me to do all sorts of fancy and/or lame things, like check the stats of my pages, and allow readers to post comments.

Anyways, I guess I've had this Gold Membership for a while. A couple months, at least.

Nobody told me! And now it's about to expire.

What a waste.

Big deal.

Since I last wrote, I almost got arrested for "trespassing" and "invasion of privacy". Big deal.

Last weekend I threw up out of a moving vehicle.

No biggie.

I'm still accepting applicants for upcoming Women's Lib entries....if there are any young girls brave enough, they can apply at [email protected] by sending me a picture of themselves.

People can leave comments now, after my entry. Who gives a shit though.

I may or may not have testicular cancer. I have all sorts of weird bumps and growths and lumps and lumpy bumps on my scrotum. But only on the left side. My right side seems to be a-okay.

My right testicle feels like one big testicle. My left testicle feels like a bag of marbles. It doesn't seem like one big teste. It seems like a bunch of baby testes.

Is this normal?

Maybe not.

I figure I'll wait till it either turns black, or starts talking....and then I'll seek medical attention.

I might put a photo of my testicle in an upcoming entry, so everybody can give me their professional medical advice, as to whether or not my lumpy, bumpy testicle is normal or not. I don't look at testicles very often....other than my own.

I have nothing to judge "normalcy" on....when it comes to scrotums.

I'm sure you ladies have seen your fair share of balls in your lifetime though.

I'm sure some of you guys have too.

If you think you qualify as a testicle expert, and would like to give me your medical advice, feel free to e-mail me or leave a comment, and I will send you a picture of my left testicle.

My right testicle seems like the testicle of a strapping young lad, aged 25....which I am.

My left nut looks like an old man's diseased ball. Like a malformed bag of old man marbles.

Speaking of old man balls, what's the deal with these porn sites I've been "hearing about" lately, in which old, disgusting, bald, pot-bellied, old men are having sex with sexy, skinny, 18-25 yr. old girls?

www.teensforcash.com, for instance....or thedirtyoldman.com are a couple examples, to show you what I'm talking about.

Some say it's the money. That these old men are bling-blingin', and therefore the young girls are willing to get gangbanged by 65 yr. old men. But I wonder if money is enough of a reason.

Most girls I know wouldn't do it for any price.

How come when I was single, I couldn't get laid no matter how much money I was willing to pay, even when I offered cash to elderly women and AIDS patients? And these slobby, fat, old fucks are having sex with a different 18-25 yr. old girl each week?

It's not even like they're "sexy" old men....They don't look like Harrison Ford or Sean Connery. They look like plumbers and McDonalds assistant managers.

What's the deal?

What's the explanation?

Is this something I can look forward to when I'm pushing 70? Assuming I'm a swinging single at that age? Or is it really all about the money, which I will probably have little of at that age?

If it's about the money, I'll be screwed. If I'm a single old man, I'll just have to pin my hopes on becoming a janitor at a local high school, and setting up some hidden cameras in the girls' locker room.

I won't be able to buy sex from girls who are 1/3 my age.

But, maybe these sexy nymphoids who have sex with fat old men are really just in it because they love slobby 65-year-olds and hate guys their own age. Maybe they're attracted to fat old men and like the feel of lumpy, deformed old man testicles slapping them on their 18-25 year old asses.

If it's misshapen, disgustingly wrinkled, hairy old balls that they're into.....then I guess I might have a chance when I'm 65 years old.

Hell, if that's the case, then I would have a pretty good chance now.

Half a chance anyways.

I have the left testicle of an old man.

It's like I have that disease where you age too quickly.....you know the ugly kids who are always on Ricki Lake and Jerry Springer, where they're 6 years old but they look like they're 60.

Except that disease is only affecting my left nut.

I should dress in an all-black, spandex suit and cut a hole in it for my left testicle to hang out.....so nobody can see my face or any part of my body, except my left testicle, and then I can pretend I'm an old man in disguise. Then I could be one of the "old men" on these "Teens For Cash" websites.....Nobody would suspect a thing, judging by my exposed left nut.

I'll wear a little Phantom of the Opera mask on my crotch too, you know, with the good testicle covered, and the bad one exposed....

Like a codpiece shaped like a Phantom of the Opera mask, sort of....

You know?

Attached to my crotch by some kind of rope around my waist or something......

Or built into the spandex suit maybe.

The Phantom of the Opera mask, I mean.

You know what I mean?

Eh...I'm sick of explaining how this fucking mask would attach to my balls.

 

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