3:19 p.m. - 2004-01-25
My Trip to Washington DC
I was perusing through some of my older diary entries, and I made an interesting observation.
I found out that if an outsider were to just read the very last line of each entry, they would surely fear the worst. The last lines of most of my entries, taken out of context, create an intricate web of insanity and filth.
For example, here are some last lines of some of my previous entries:
It's just semen, for god's sake....it's not rhinoceros shit.
If you do, you just might get a goddamn tuna fish thrown into your fat mouth.
You'll never see a cowboy drinking his own urine....
Well...assuming the third testicle shoots lasers.
I'll take pea soup over a colostomy bag anytime.
Kind of like how at my old Kinko's job I would always secretly cover my hands in elephant semen before I touched any of the keyboards or cash registers.
Jesus....
At what point do I need to seek help? Is it just a matter of time until a reader reports me to a psycho ward?
What is this world coming to?
Sometimes, I noticed, the second to the last line of my diary entries is crazier than the last line. For example:
And I have a feeling that, by the end of the night, if whiskey and PCP were mixed, April O'Neill would somehow end up with Michelangelo's nunchuks shoved into her vagina.
Lordy lordy....
I think my diary would prevent me from ever becoming a babysitter, or the President of the United States. If the public knew what the various last lines of my various entries were, they'd lock me up and throw away the key.
Try it for fun....Just read the last lines of some of my older entries. They create a fascinating smorgasbord of ridiculousness.
When you read the last sentence, such as, "Well...assuming the third testicle shoots lasers".....It just makes you think, "That makes no sense out of context. How in the hell could that sentence be connected to any sort of story that makes sense?"
Somehow they are though.
Somehow they all are.
It's a fun way to spend 7-8 hours of your boring life.
So, now I want to trick future readers....I want to end this entry with a last sentence that makes no sense out of context. So, when future readers come back and read just the last line of this entry, they'll think, "What in the hell was he talking about in that entry? What could his story have possibly been about to end in a sentence like that?"
So I developed a good formula, which is sure to produce a funny sentence, when taken out of context:
A cartoon character spraying a disease out of one of his body parts into the body part of a random celebrity. And you add a "connecting" phrase to the beginning like, "Just like when" or "It reminds me of" or "And then"....
Something to connect it to some other sentence.....thus the "out of context part"....Perhaps I'm getting ahead of you.
Here are examples:
"And when I'm done with that, I'll watch Papa Smurf shoot anthrax-tainted semen out of his penis into Richard Nixon's mouth."
Or....."Plus, it reminds me of the Powerpuff Girls spraying AIDS-tainted menstrual blood out of their snatches onto Michael Jackson's face."
You get the point.
Another one, for example, could be: "It's almost as bad as watching Spongebob Squarepants take a ringworm-infested shit into Jennifer Aniston's mouth."
If this entry ended in a sentence like that, it would make people wonder what the hell my entry was about...How any sort of logical story could end with a sentence like that.
The trick is that the sentence won't be connected to any logical story. It'll exist solely for the purpose of fooling them into wondering what the entry is about.
You know what I mean?
Also, to confuse them more, I entitled this entry "My Trip To Washington DC"....Anybody looking through my Older Entries section will see that title and think this entry is about a vacation I took to Washington DC. Maybe to the White House.
Plus, it looked like Scooby Doo squeezing flesh-eating bacteria out of his nutsac into Nancy Reagan's vagina.
