7:33 p.m. - 2003-07-17
Sin City here I come.
I'll be moving to Vegas in 2 weeks.
August 3.
I've been busy the last month, looking for a job and an apartment.
I found one of each.
Busy, busy, busy...
No time for diary-writing, if you haven't noticed.
So, in two weeks, my days of drinking whiskey till 2am and waking up face down at the beach will be over.
From now on, I'll be able to drink whiskey till whenever the hell I want, 24 hours a day, and wake up face down in, say, the middle of the desert....or perhaps in the luxurious fountain in front of the Bellagio.
Also, in Vegas, the legal age of sexual consent is 16.
In Vegas, you are allowed to sit in front of a high school on a Tuesday morning, drinking whiskey until 7am, meet a 16-year-old sophomore girl who's heading to her first class, and then bring her back to your house for a couple hours of anal sex....just in time to take her back to school for 3rd period Algebra.
I love Vegas.
My new 1-bedroom apartment is playa pimp style. I will live there all by myself.
If I ever come home drunk off whiskey, and vomit up a lung into my toilet, and pass out and crack my skull open on the edge of the bathtub, it may be a few weeks until my body is found.
Also, I'll have to be careful not to pass out drunk on my back...so as not to choke on my own vomit like ol' Jimi Hendrix.
Drinking your body weight in whiskey can be dangerous if you live alone.
Especially when you can drink whiskey 24 hours a day.
Also, I'm sure I'll be playing roulette a lot. My favorite thing to do will be to endorse the back of my paycheck with my signature on Friday, and put my paycheck on Red.
If I win, my paycheck is doubled and I can live bling-bling like P. Diddy for the next 2 weeks.
If I lose, I'll have to resort to drinking my own urine for nutrition and whoring my body out to lonely old widows for a buck or two.
Sort of a win-win situation either way.
Also, I like to climb things when I'm drunk. Lightpoles, cliffs, trees, barbed wire fences, you name it!
If you read my diary, I'm sure you know.
Climbing things is my 2nd favorite thing to do while drunk besides driving.
There are two things I can think of in Vegas off the top of my head: The Stratosphere Tower, which is the largest free-standing tower in the United States. And the Luxor, which is a large, glass pyramid.
With enough whiskey in my stomach, either of these buildings will become valid things to climb.
Valid...
When you drink enough whiskey, it validates anything you do. That's why I love it.
"I peed all over your doorknob? Don't worry, I had a valid reason. My stomach was full of whiskey."
"I crashed my car into a group of schoolchildren? Oh well, I had a valid reason. I was drunk off whiskey."
"What's that you say, officer? You say I climbed up the Luxor and wiggled my testicles at somebody through their hotel window before sliding down the slope of the pyramid on my ass and vomiting on to a security guard when I landed? I have a valid explanation. I've been drinking Jack Daniel's for the last 11 hours."
That's why both the Luxor and the Stratosphere Tower are valid playgrounds to climb up....or attempt to climb up....while drunk.
I think whiskey should be re-named Validation Juice, since it validates anything you do while drinking it.
Cops should realize this, and cut me some slack, should I ever get caught.
All I plan on doing is drunkenly terrorizing everyone and everything in Sin City....mostly by climbing things and flashing my penis at people. And breaking things.
And stealing things probably.
And peeing on people/things.
No big deal.
But, it's not like I plan on killing anybody or molesting any children or anything like that while I'm drunk.
Well....unless 16 yr. olds count as "children"....
