12:07 a.m. - 2003-05-05
Who Wants To Marry Edgar Frog?
Here's what I hate: People who randomly e-mail me or Instant Message me out of nowhere and say "ribbit ribbit"....
You wouldn't believe how many people do this.
If I had a dime for everytime it happened, I'd have my own money bin that I could swim in, like Uncle Scrooge.
I'd have to start wearing a monocle and speaking in a Scottish accent, just to get the point across to the world that I'm as rich as Scrooge McDuck.....
Rich because I got a dime for every person who said "ribbit ribbit" to me.
I'm not a frog. I don't even like frogs.
Do I act like fucking Kermit?
If I was a frog, I'd be named Edgar the Frog.
Like Kermit the Frog.
Frog is just my last name. It's the name I was given.
It just happens to be an animal name, as well.
Like Michael J. Fox.....He's not a fox. Not in the animal sense, anyways.
You wouldn't walk up to Michael J. Fox and howl at him or whatever sound foxes make.
Kinda like how George Bush is not a plant....And Sharon Stone is not a rock....And Cedric the Entertainer is not an entertainer.
They're just names.
Next person who makes a "ribbit ribbit" reference to me, this is what I'm going to do to him: I'm going to track him down, slit his stomach open with a rusty steak knife, pull out his intestines and shove them into his mouth, squeeze the feces out of the intestines into his throat, and then tie the intestines around his neck, so that I can strangle him with his guts as he chokes on his own shit.
I also hate people who call me edgarfrog.....
The name is Frog....Edgar Frog.
I have a first name and a last name.
It's not edgarfrog.
All the time I get e-mails and IM's from random dipshits, saying "Hi edgarfrog"....
"Hi randomdipshit," I should tell them.
On a happier note, I've decided that I'm bored of the freedom and happiness and eternal bliss that comes from living the life of a single bachelor.....And I'm going to take my cue from the success of all the FOX reality shows such as Mr. Personality, Joe Millionaire, and The Bachelor...
I'm going to host my own contest right here in this diary.
"Who Wants To Marry Edgar Frog"....
I will actually propose to the winning lady, and she will marry me. It'll be totally legitimate, since marriages can be done online nowadays, with online ministers.
She'll have to prove that she deserves to marry me more than any other woman, and all that.
It'll be just like all those great FOX reality shows....
Just like Mr. Personality, she'll have to love me for my personality, since she doesn't know what I look like.
Just like The Bachelor, I'm a bachelor.
And like Joe Millionaire, there's deception....Since he's not really a millionaire, and I'm not really a frog.
I'm going to investigate online marriages further, and see what legalities are neccessary.....But, I know online ministers are easy to come by. The winning lady and myself will actually get authentic marriage certificates sent to us. It'll be the real deal.
Hopefully, once we're legally married, she'd be willing to move to San Diego and live with me...So that we can be more like a real married couple.
And, as my wife, she'll get to do all the great things that I want my wife to do for me, such as cook me breakfast, cook me dinner, sleep naked next to me, let me lick whiskey off her boobies, share half of her paycheck with me, buy me gifts all the time, provide me with sex every night, let me cuddle with her whenever I want to, let me beat her around if I had a bad day at work, let me punch her in the stomach if she ever gets pregnant, and anything else that I think a good wife should let me do.
So, if any women reading this are interested in competing in "Who Wants To Marry Edgar Frog", send me an e-mail application with your name, age, address, telephone number, and a brief paragraph about why you would make a great wife. It'll be a fun contest....Complete with treachery, deceit, backstabbing, and all the other things you would expect from a FOX-style reality show.
By the way, I feel kinda bad about what I said a couple paragraphs ago....When I was talking about the things my wife should do for me....I was sort of exaggerating, and I apologize.
I don't want women to get the wrong idea about me by thinking that I would actually want to do ALL of that stuff to my wife:
I would NEVER ever, in a million years, EVER actually want to cuddle with my wife.
I'm not THAT crazy.
