1:44 a.m. - 2003-05-04
Comic Relief
What fun....The good ol' saloon where I always go and drink has apparently recruited comedians to entertain the patrons.
I was drinking whiskey there last night with my roommate, and a group of about five hulking, fat, football-player types began to accuse my roommate of bumping into them and spilling their drinks.
Their Bud Lights.
What comedians they were!
In the process of trying to pick a fight with my roommate, they caused me to spill some of my whiskey.
Now it was on.
I told the most obnoxious of the fat comedians that he had just caused me to spill my whiskey, which had cost me half of my paycheck.
"I don't make very much money. This is half of my paycheck right here! You just made me spill half of my paycheck! This is like liquid gold, man! You made me spill liquid gold," I yelled at the guy.
One of the bouncers came over and made the guys go to the other side of the bar and leave us alone.
As they were walking away, I angrily pointed at my glass and taunted them by yelling "Liquid gold" at them...
I laughed.
Later, one of the fat ogres wandered back over to us and asked where we were from.
My roommate's immediate response was Compton. My immediate response was The Bronx.
He got mad, and lectured us on how you should never lie about where you're from. "I have friends who are actually from Compton and The Bronx," he told us. "They would be fucking pissed if they knew you were claiming to be from there. I have about 8 friends who are here right now who were born and raised in The Bronx. Do you have ANY idea what they would do to you guys if I told them what you just said to me?"
I laughed.
I told him to introduce me to his friends, so I could reminisce with them about life in The Bronx. I told him I always liked to give respect to fellow New Yorkers who had been raised in The Bronx like me.
He didn't introduce me to any friends.
He asked where I was REALLY from, and I told him I was from Vegas, but that I had been born and raised in the LBC.
He didn't know what LBC was.
That made me laugh.
"Long Beach, California," I told him, "Everybody knows that LBC is Long Beach. Where Snoop Dogg is from. The gangsta rap capital of the world.....Where are you from?"
He told us he was born and raised right there in Encinitas, California, where the saloon was......
I couldn't help but laugh.
Apparently, all his friends were from Compton and The Bronx and had been raised on the streets, in the ghettos.....But HE had been born and raised in a sleepy, little, upper class, beach community.
What comedic talent he had!
I really hope to someday see him on a Young Comedian's Showcase on Comedy Central.
He should be doing stand-up in Aspen.
With his group of fat friends still on the other side of the bar, he told us we should leave.
"Don't fucking lie about where you're from and claim to be something you're not. You guys need to get the fuck out of here. You're in the wrong bar."
"You're in the wrong bar," he said!
I laughed loudly...So did my roommate. He had us rolling in the aisles.
"Oh, we're in the wrong bar," I said. "You mean, the bar we've been coming to every weekend for the last 4 years? The bar where everybody knows us and the bartenders have our drinks memorized?"
He might as well have gone to Cheers and told Norm and Cliff they were at the wrong bar.
I asked him how long he had been coming to the saloon, because I certainly had never seen him before.....He didn't answer me.
I laughed!
Still, I was bothered about one thing: The fact that he had obviously never read this diary of mine. If he had read my diary before, he would've known the answers to his simple questions before he asked them, and probably could've saved himself a lot of time.
If he had read my diary before, I certainly don't think he would've told us that we were in the wrong bar. He certainly would've known about my saloon reputation and mind-numbing ability to outwit fat jocks.
I tried to not show my anger though. I'm like The Hulk when it comes to people who have never read my diary. If people have never read it, and don't know my reputation, and don't know my love for whiskey and the saloon, and make silly assumptions about me, then I get angry.....And you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
I was still laughing at his comment about how we were at the wrong bar.....But, I was thinking that maybe he was right....
Maybe we really were in the wrong bar, I thought. I mean, my roommate and I had meant to go to the saloon.....but it seemed like maybe we had accidentally gone to The Laugh Factory or The Apollo instead.
I certainly couldn't remember there ever being comedians at the saloon before.
He got aggravated with us, and told us he was done with our bullshit, and walked away.
"Aww, but we were having so much fun talking to you," I said as he walked away.
I continued laughing.
Later that night, my roommate and I had to promptly leave, so that I could go vomit in the alley....partly due to the fact that I had drank 7 glasses of whiskey on an empty stomach. So we didn't get to stay until closing, like usual.
So, we didn't get into a bar brawl with the comedian and his friends, although I had already hid a whiskey glass in my back pocket, just in case I needed to shatter it over somebody's head.
I felt sorta bad, though, that my roommate and I had left so suddenly. I didn't get to give the comedian a dollar, like I had wanted to....But, then again, I wasn't sure whether or not it was customary to tip comedians after they performed a stand-up routine....
He deserved it though.
He really had us laughing!
I wish him the best of luck in his comedy career.
Well, they say laughter is the best medicine....
Me, on the other hand...I say whiskey is the best medicine....
Either way, I had my fill of medicine last night....
I guess I won't be getting SARS anytime soon.
