11:26 p.m. - 2003-04-19
Quality Time with Decorative Fetuses
Jesus Christ, why is it 175 degrees in my bedroom?
Did some sort of portal to Hell open in my apartment, unbeknownst to me, causing underworldly heat to seep into my bedroom from the bowels of the earth?
This is how much I love my little chameleon, who lives in a cage over by my window: I always keep the window closed at night so that she won't freeze, even though I myself am suffering from heat exhaustion.
My little chameleon is cold-blooded...The cool night air could send her into shock.
So, here I sit, with perspiration dripping from my armpits, and my sweaty balls sticking to my clammy inner thighs.
I love you, little chameleon....I'll always keep my balls sweaty for you.
Speaking of my balls:
I just can't wait until I have kids....so I can hide eggs from them on Easter.
Without kids, Easter is just another day.
I can't wait until little Edgar Frogs are running around my house in the morning, trying to find all the decorative eggs that I've hidden from them. With their little jammies and slipper socks on, and their little baskets full of candy....
Cute little motherfuckers.
When I was a little Edgar Frog, my parents had to compensate for my cleverness. They had to be TRICKY with their hiding places, because they knew that I was a junior detective.
I could always find the eggs in five minutes.
As a toddler, I think I can remember utilizing blueprints of the house and heat-detecting imaging devices to pick up footprints of where the Easter Bunny had set foot in the house.
"Mom and Dad," I would tell my Mom and Dad, "that fucking Easter Bunny is a crock of shit. He hides these eggs way too easy. I'm not five years old anymore, I'm six years old! Next time you see that fat cocksucking rabbit, tell him to hide the eggs in challenging hiding spots. Does he think I'm an idiot? Does he think I won't see a bright pink egg on the window sill? Does he really think he's being clever by putting this orange fucking egg behind the TV?"
I would dust for fingerprints too, I think.
So, as I got older, my parents got trickier....Replacing the lightbulb in a lamp with an egg, for instance. And when I realized that the Easter Bunny didn't exist, at the age of 17, my parents still continued hiding eggs from me, for fun, just to see if they could outwit me. So, as I got older, I had to start taking things apart....I'd have to use tools to, say, take the TV apart, and an egg would be inside the set. One time, an egg was hidden in the ceiling...I had to climb up and remove a light fixture, and go up into the crawlspace of the apartment, and I found an egg up in the foam insulation.
True story.
Tricky.
So, I'm going to do the same thing with my little kids, except, I'm going to cut to the chase....Why waste time by GRADUALLY making the hiding spots more and more difficult over the years? Why not just make the hiding spots difficult to begin with....
I want to hand my 5 yr. old daughter a toolbox, and tell her to start looking.
"There's two dozen eggs hidden around the house, baby doll. Good luck."
It'll be funny to try to keep a straight face while she looks under her bed, and behind the curtains.
"You're not even close, you dummy," I'll tell my sweet little daughter.
I figure I probably won't be able to stop myself from laughing when she looks in a predictable spot like the silverware drawer....and finds nothing.
Amateur!
After an hour or so, if she still hasn't found an egg, and she begins to burst into tears, I'll tell her where one egg is...
"I'll show you where the Easter Bunny hid one of the eggs, okay sweetie, but you have to find the other 23 on your own, and you don't get to eat breakfast until you've found all of them."
I'll slit open her mattress with a bowie knife, and pull out an egg from inside her mattress.
I hope my daughter doesn't whine. "Daddy, why did the Easter Bunny hide the eggs in such hard places?"
Nobody likes a whiner.
I'll probably have to give her hints...
"Maybe the Easter Bunny hid an egg under the kitchen sink! Go look under there!...."
"I don't see an egg under here, Daddy."
"You don't see an egg under there? Well, look real good. Make sure you reach your little hand into all the bottles of chemicals."
"I found an egg in the Drano bottle, daddy! I feel kind of funny though...Can we eat breakfast soon?"
"Only 22 more eggs to go, baby doll. Hey, I wonder if the Easter Bunny hid an egg in the gun cabinet? Go look in there and tell me what you find. Also, I think I heard the Easter Bunny on the roof last night....If you use that old ladder in the garage, you might want to climb up there and check out the rain gutters."
Meanwhile, I'll be eating and laughing at her failed attempts to find the eggs.
I'm sure she'll find them all eventually though.
She'll have to...if she wants to eat.
"Daddy, I'm hungry, why do you get to eat and I don't? I found 23 eggs, but I can't find the last one, and my tummy feels like it's dying."
"Well, sweetie, you gotta keep looking. Hey....I wonder, if the Easter Bunny hid the last egg inside an electrical socket in the wall? There's a screwdriver in that toolbox you can use, and if that doesn't work, here's a fork that you can try digging the egg out with."
"The Easter Bunny is mean, daddy."
My daughter's going to be such a little cutie-pie.
