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1:02 a.m. - 2003-04-05
Puppet Master
So, I was watching this Real Sex show on HBO...mainly because it was showing a segment on naked lesbians oiling themselves up and wrestling each other.

But then it turned into a segment on this "Puppetry of the Penis" show. Maybe you've heard of it.

These two guys from Australia travel around, performing for live audiences...And all they do is twist their penis and scrotum into funny shapes.

Everybody laughs!

Everybody applauds!

And these guys get paid kajillions.

Now they're auditioning other men to join the show. They are auditioning in L.A.....They are performing off-Broadway and all over the United States of America now.

Cool!

I have a penis!

I want to try!

So, I was practicing in the mirror just now. Trying some of the things they had demonstrated on TV. I have a full-length mirror on my bedroom door.

I can see my whole body!

First you have to tug and squeeze your penis to make it more flexible. I did that and it seemed to work pretty well.

One of their little penis puppetry tricks was called "The Snail".....You take your scrotum and swing it around to the top of your penis and lay your penis on your hand. It resembles a little snail, complete with a shell.

I tried "The Snail" and it worked! It was easy. It is easy to swing your scrotum around to the side like that. It looked like a little snail crawling across my hand.

How cute!

My penis and scrotum seemed very flexible at this point. I tried another one called "The Baby Bird".....You tug on your foreskin so it extends past the head of your penis, and then you make it "squawk" like a baby bird's mouth. I tried that one, and it was tougher because I am circumcised....But, I succeeded!

Squawk, squawk! Just like a little, baby bird!

How cute!

The next penis puppetry trick I wanted to try was called "The Hamburger". You stretch your penis down between your testicles, and twist your scrotum and penis 90 degrees, so you end up with one testicle on top, penis in the middle, and your other testicle on the bottom. Then you fold your penis in half, so that you can't see the head of the penis. Then you squish the whole testicle-penis-testicle group to make it more flat. It looks like a penis patty between two testicle buns. The little hair follicle bumps on the testicles are the sesame seeds!

How cute!

"The Hamburger" is probably the most difficult penis puppetry trick to master. But, surely I could do it....

So, I pulled my penis down there, and rotated them, and folded the penis in half, and..........

Well, basically at this point, I think I heard something "pop" inside of my groin.

I can't be certain, but I think I actually died, floated up out of my body towards a white light, and then miraculously came back down into my conscious body.

I think vomit flew up my throat, but I reswallowed it. If it wasn't vomit, it was something acidic. Possibly some sort of testicular liquid.

I'm not a doctor or anything, but I'm willing to bet that I ruptured a penile artery....or possibly ruptured a testicle or something....Internal bleeding is possible....Probably can't have kids now....Scrotum will probably be gangrenous in the morning.

I don't think I really did "The Hamburger" correctly.

I'm going to try it again tomorrow though, when the swelling goes down....

It's just so damn cute...with the little sesame seeds and everything.

 

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