12:58 a.m. - 2003-02-02
In Memoriam
I start drinking Friday, I start drinking Friday night.
Lord, I start drinking Friday, I start drinking Friday night.
But then I wake up on Sunday, child, there ain't nothing right.
That's Janis Joplin.
She's singing about me.
My Saturday was wasted. I drank all night on Friday. I drank whiskey for about three hours. When I was done, my brain decided that what my body needed was a bottle of wine mixed in there with the whiskey. My body didn't appreciate it. My body hates when my brain decides stuff like that.
My brain apologized to my body afterwards, but my body always holds a grudge.
"Apology not accepted"...
My brain and my body are always quarreling. They're like brothers. My brain would put my body in a headlock and give it a noogie, if it could. Then my body would give my brain an indian burn, if it could.
My body got revenge on my brain today though. It turned my brain into mush, and it made my brain sleep all day. Now they're even. I slept all day. I didn't get dressed or shower or step foot out of the house on Saturday. And now it is late, and already I have to go to bed again. When I wake up, it will be Sunday......
I woke up 5 separate times on Saturday.
First, after drinking myself into a stupor on Friday night, I woke up in some shrubbery by the beach, around 4 a.m......There were onlookers enjoying the late-night beach view nearby when I arose out of the bushes like a zombie and staggered past them coated in wine and dirt. I headed back to my car.
Next I woke up in my car, still parked in front of the saloon, around 7:30 a.m.....I drove home somehow.
Next I woke up in my bed around 2 p.m., still wearing the same shitty clothes I had been wearing while laying in bushes ten hours before. My new white shirt was coated in wine and leaves and dirt and spiderwebs. Later, I woke up on the couch....I had somehow fallen asleep again while watching TV. Then I took a nap Saturday evening, and woke up for my 5th and final time of the day.
When I logged on to AOL just now, I saw a picture of a flower wreath in the news headline, and the caption said "An Entire Nation Grieves".....
"Wow, that's real nice of them," I thought, "to be so sympathetic for me during my hangover. I know it's sad that I slept all day on Saturday, but the nation didn't have to go and buy me flowers and all that."
Then the news caption changed and said "'I Heard This Loud Boom': What Eyewitnesses Saw and Heard".....
"Oh dear lord," I thought. "What did I do last night? I blew up something while I was drunk. I can't even remember. I probably made a Molotov Cocktail out of my wine bottle and threw it at a cop car. Jesus...."
Next the AOL caption said "There are no survivors".....
I figured it was only a matter of time until the FBI raided my house. I didn't remember doing anything while drunk, but according to the news, I had apparently gone on a killing spree and murdered everybody with dynamite.
But then I found out that the space shuttle Columbia had exploded over Texas on re-entry, killing all seven astronauts on board. That's what the big deal was. And, amazingly, I wasn't the one who blew it up. I didn't drunkenly launch a missile at the space shuttle during my whiskey/wine stupor.
I was innocent!
I hadn't spent my Friday night killing anybody, or blowing up space shuttles, or lobbing grenades at innocent bystanders or anything like that....
All I did was drink half a bottle of Jack Daniels & half a bottle of wine, pass out in a bush at the edge of a steep cliff overlooking the beach, drive home drunk, and spend the entire day sleeping.....
Thank god.
For a minute there, I thought I had done something stupid.
