9:38 p.m. - 2003-01-28
Mothers, don't let your children grow up to saw your head off
You should see the new ladies in my life...
They both sleep in my room with me.
They're twins!!
They're sort of ugly, and they have googly eyes...but they're both almost at the peak of sexual maturity! Hooray!
But, like most females, they don't like me too much, unfortunately. Everytime I try to touch the girls, they arch their backs up at me, and puff out their throats.
They even turn black.
Calm yourselves, ladies!
They get stressed out a lot. They need their space. They're never in the mood to play around. And all they do is eat crickets.
Typical women.
Yes, I'm the proud owner now of a fucking chameleon habitat.
Veiled chameleons....Check it out
I should say "chameleon ecosystem", rather than chameleon habitat....
It's more than just a habitat.
It's a fucking biodome.
It's a fucking 3-foot by 3-foot net cage in my room, with dripping water and vines and live plants and crickets....It's a fucking jungle in the corner of my room. I spent $250 total on my chameleon ecosystem.
$250....
The lizards were $60 each. They are rare. They are from Yemen.
The lizards creep me out. They really do. And they are only babies. They are about 5 inches long right now. They don't like humans. I try to leave them alone as much as possible, but I have to get my hands in there sometimes, to water the plant and what not....And then these creepy little things go into "stressed out" mode and turn black and hiss at me.
They hiss at me!
Creepy little bastards.
Every once in a while, they'll be alright, and walk on my hand. Today, one was sitting on my finger. Their little hands grip you tight. Their little tail wraps around your finger. They are totally secure. That's how come they can walk upside down.
Cute little bastards.
They are only five inches long.....But what about when they are adults?
They grow to be about 12 inches long.
I don't know how I'll be able to handle two foot-long monstrosities hissing at me when they are upset.
Their eyes are creepy too. It's like they are looking into my soul. Sometimes, I feel like the lizards are reading my mind.
I have to feed them crickets too. So, I'm wondering how long it will be till the incessant chirping of crickets drives me insane.
The more I think about it, I think I am in over my head with these lizards. I wonder what will happen the first time I come home drunk off whiskey.
I'm hoping I don't wake up drunk one morning, naked, sprawled out in my tipped-over chameleon habitat, with two missing chameleons, and an apartment full of loose crickets.
Yesterday on the news, I heard about two brothers in Orange County who murdered their mom "Sopranos-style"....They mimicked the episode where Tony and Christopher killed Ralphie. They murdered their mom, and then sawed off her head and hands to hide her identity. They dumped her torso in the ocean. Cops found her head and hands in the kids' apartment.
Whoopsy!
When removing your dead mother's hands and head to hide her identity, don't forget to BURY the head and hands underground!!!
They must've missed that part of the Sopranos episode....
Oh well.....They'll have plenty of time to catch up on Sopranos reruns on death row.
It gave me a swell idea, though, of what I could do if I ever get TOO annoyed with my veiled chameleons.
I also bought Grand Theft Auto: Vice City this weekend.
Can you believe that?
What kind of job is this that I have that I can afford to pay all my bills and still have money left over to buy Playstation games and fucking exotic reptile habitats?!
What am I, fucking Joe Millionaire?!
Ridiculous....
Vice City is a nice game and all, but I'm not as crazy about it as the rest of the world. I get sort of bored of car games after a while.
Plus, it's way too violent. It's a bad influence on kids, and it glorifies crime.
Also, everytime I play it, it makes me want to kill my mom. I like to pretend that all the little pedestrians are my mom when I run over them with my Lamborghini.
See what the game is doing to me?!
I never would've had violent thoughts about my mother like this before I started playing Vice City!!
Before this game came along, the only people I ever thought about killing were girls at my local bar....and small children....and possibly my future wife....
But never my mom!!
Video games are crazy.
