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1:29 p.m. - 2002-12-21
Go fuck yourself.
Lately, I've been thinking about my health for some reason....

Maybe because of the holidays.

I've been thinking about how Mr. Jack Daniel's whiskey is probably not the greatest thing for me to drink, if I want to preserve the length of my life.

I've been drinking lots of it lately.

The weird thing is, I've been feeling like shit lately. I frequently have horrible hangovers the next day.

My brain feels like it's melting.

I'm starting to feel like Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday in Tombstone.....And I anticipate that my death will be much like his.

Pale, pasty, and sweaty....laying in bed with a flask of alcohol, as my liver slowly gives out on me.

Maybe my readers haven't seen Tombstone....so, here's one for you:

It feels like the whiskey that I drink is a horde of Saruman's orcs....and my stomach is Helms Deep.

My stomach lining is the main wall in front of Helms Deep, and all my little white blood cells are Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn...and all the soldiers of Rohan; and every time I take a swig of whiskey, it's like an orc running towards the wall with a bomb, as my stomach yells to itself, "Bring him down! Kill him!" But, no matter how many arrows my little white blood cells shoot at the whiskey orc, he still penetrates with the bomb, causing devastation throughout.

Meanwhile, other whiskey orcs are ramming down the doors of my stomach and hoisting ladders up over the wall to overthrow my stomach.

I'm sure my stomach does some fancy tricks, like sliding down a flight of stairs on a shield as it shoots arrows at the whiskey orcs, but in the end, the whiskey orcs are just too much for the Helms Deep of my stomach.

And, then, eventually, the whiskey orcs leave my Helms Deep stomach alone....with the help of time, sleep, aspirin, vomit, and urination.

Uh....I guess Gandalf represents all that stuff.

I guess Gandalf mainly represents urination and vomit.....

Hmmm......

Nah, I think I like my Doc Holliday in Tombstone analogy better. If you haven't seen it, go fuck yourself.

 

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