2:42 a.m. - 2002-11-17
Edgar Frog: The Interview
Recently, I discovered a top-secret Nazi regime which has gained control over the masses in the world of online diaries. It seems that the "popular" diary writers have all formed a cult, to brag to the world about their popularity.
In order to be considered a "popular" writer, I found out, the diary writer needs to be interviewed. Being interviewed means you're popular.
Cool. I want to be popular!
So, I had a contest, of sorts, to find a person to interview me.
The loser who won was some British kook ([email protected])....And he "won" the chance to interview little ol' me. So, his job was to ask me 20 questions.
To reveal the truth about the man behind the diary...
[email protected], along with the help of [email protected], and [email protected], all of whom are British, came up with the 20 questions for the interview.
What they did was e-mail the questions to me, but my goal was to answer the questions "impromptu". The purpose of an interview, after all, is to find out what a person is honestly like and what a person honestly thinks...So, I did something groundbreaking: I pretended I was being asked the questions in person, like a real interview, and therefore, I came up with the answers off the top of my head. I immediately wrote an answer to each question after reading it. Meaning that I didn't sit around for hours thinking of funny answers (with the exception of Question #6). If it was a real interview, I wouldn't be able to sit and think of funny answers, so it's only fair. So, while my answers may not be a laugh-riot, they are my immediate and truthful answers, nonetheless.
BEHOLD, the OFFICIAL Edgar Frog Interview:
1. Whats your favourite diary entry? Why?
See, I can tell these kooks are British by the way they spelled "favorite". Those damn Brits can't spell worth shit. It's a hard question to answer though, because every one of my diary entries has been socially uplifting and each one has single-handedly held together the fabric of society, in my opinion. But, I guess my favOrite (with no "U") entry...is probably, uh....Fuck, let me glance at the titles of my older entries....Alright, well I think my favorite chat scams are "Betty Poop" and "Collector's Corner". In my opinion, those conversations worked flawlessly, and I got the exact reactions I wanted. I still laugh when I read those. Plus, the photo of the Betty Poop tattoo adds a nice touch. I think my favorite entry, overall, is probably "World's Wildest Diary Entry"...I'm not sure why. It just amuses me. And it's really not an interesting topic....that I somehow turned into an interesting diary entry. I like the entries where I can turn some boring, bullshit topic, and turn it into something people are dying to read about. Kind of like how I hyped up this interview to be some great extravaganza...when, in fact, I'm just trying to take people's attention away from the fact that I don't have a November Women's Lib entry. Suckers...
2.What qualifications have you got?
Um....qualifications for what? There are some things I'm qualified for, and some things I'm not qualified for. What are you talking about, you crazy Brits?! If we're talking about being an electrical engineer or a heavyweight boxer or something, I'm not very qualified at all. I brush my teeth twice a day though. I try to shower at least once a day. That must qualify me for something. I think I'm qualified for a whiskey-drinking championship. I have a penis...so I'm qualified to have sex with women. I always look both ways before crossing the street too.
3. Whats your fuckin job?
I'm actually a graphic designer. Most people think I write for a living, I don't. I play on the computer for a living and design business cards and scan photos and bullshit like that. I make pretty pictures for a living. I also consider myself to be a top-notch cartoonist, but I don't really do that for a living. Actually, I don't do much graphic design either. More often than not, I just deal with customers and stand at a cash register. I'm looking for a new job. As much as I talk about dog testicles and rectal bleeding in my diary, you'd be surprised how polite I can be to the customers though. I say "sir" and "ma'am" and everything. I'm such a polite young man. Today at work, in fact, I only mentioned dog testicles to TWO customers. Only two! Can you believe it?
4. Are you ever going to stop writing your diary?
Yes. Believe it or not, I'm actually not immortal. I really will die someday. With the amount of nights per year that I spend drinking whiskey, driving drunk, hanging off the edge of cliffs, etc., I will probably die sooner than later. When I die, I will stop writing my diary. The reason I stopped updating my old lab monkey page was because it was a pain in the ass. Writing a paragraph or two in my diary every other day is no problem. I have no plans of stopping anytime soon. The only reason I would stop, is if it came abundantly clear to me that nobody was reading my filth. If nobody reads it, no point in writing it. I do plan on ending the Women's Lib entries sometime soon....but, that doesn't matter, because I have bigger and better things in store for my diary in the future. I'm sure I'll think of new ways to corrupt the minds of children and degrade cuddly girls.
5. We'd like to see a edgarfrog comic strip,what you think?
I think it's a stupid idea. If I was going to do a comic strip, I would definitely have to make it be based on writing, not on drawing. Not because I can't draw (I can draw, dummy! Buy a Whiskey For Kids shirt and see for yourself!), but because comic strips nowadays are so tiny that all you ever see is two talking heads discussing something back and forth. Comic strips nowadays are 90% word balloons, and 10% drawing. It's sad. It's the reason Bill Watterson quit doing Calvin & Hobbes. If I was going to do a comic strip though, I think I would call it Whiskey For Kids, and it would be about a group of drunk kids who go on wild adventures. I'm talking about young kids. Like Charlie Brown's age. The comic strip would have to somehow capture the same filthy goodness that goes into each and every one of my diary entries.
6. Draw us a sample.
7. Do you have a motto for life? What?
I think I talked about my motto in my diary entry about the best ways to be found dead. My motto for the best way to die was also my motto for the best way to live. It was something along the lines of: "Nudity is the key....whiskey should be involved...and child porn adds a nice touch." I think if I had to come up with another motto, it would be something like "Quit whining"....People whine a lot. Have fun till you die.
8. If you could go drinking with anyone alive or dead, who would it be?
I'd probably say Doc Holliday, Janis Joplin, and Jimi Hendrix. They would all be able to drink me under the table. It's two rock stars and a cowboy though, so what do you expect? The only thing that could be better than that is a rock star cowboy....like, um, Garth Brooks? Nah, I guess that's not better....Anyways, both Doc and Jimi died of alcohol. Jimi choked on his own vomit! Janis died of heroin, but I bet she would've died from alcohol, if she had the choice. I hope I choke on my own vomit someday.
9. What drugs have you done/do? come on...?
Just say no to drugs, kids. It reminds me of a story I wrote on my old Story Page, a part of my old lab monkey page. I wonder if any of my diary readers ever read any of that. There's tons of old writings in there by me, if anybody is fiending for Edgar Frog wisdom. Some people might be drawn to Edgar Frog writings like a junkie to heroin. I hope so, anyways. I have a whole story in there about why I don't do drugs. I really don't do drugs. I never have either. I've never even smoked one single marijuana joint. Drugs turn you into a dummy. I'd rather stick to whiskey. All whiskey does is make me get naked and wear women's clothes and fall off cliffs and vomit up intestinal fluids. No biggie.
10. Ever comin' to London?
You know, I was in London about 10 months ago, on my way back from Germany. I had a stop-over at London Heathrow. Only for a few minutes though. I wasn't there long, and I never left the airport. I remember looking out the window of the plane and seeing all the cars going the wrong way down the streets. How cute! Cute little Brits! When I got off the plane, as I was walking through the airport, I was walking down the right side of the hallway, and people were coming towards me, bumping into me. I found out people even WALK on the wrong side in Britain. Stupid Brits! I'm not sure if that answers your question or not. Britain scares me though.
11. Do you know any English TV?
I know that English TV sucks. That's about all I know. Absolutely Fabulous sucks. I like Wallace & Gromit...and Chicken Run. Those are the best things to come out of Britain. Obviously, Monty Python is classic, and everybody loves them. I always loved Benny Hill, the fat old womanizer who chased half-naked women around while a wacky musical soundtrack played. He reminds me of myself....except I don't have a wacky musical soundtrack. And I don't chase around half-naked women.....I'm not fat or old either. I don't care, he still reminds me of myself.
12. The Queen or Anna Nicole Smith? (in her present state.......)
Yeah, what about them? Who would I rather fuck in the ass in a dark alley? Anna Nicole Smith, of course.
13. What music do you like? Top Ten Songs....
Ugh....I hate when people ask me this. There are two types of people in the world, I think. Movie people and music people. Some people have the world's biggest CD selection, they can name the drummer of Whitesnake, and they buy a new album every week. And others concern themselves with the film industry, they practice the Kevin Bacon game, and they buy a new DVD each week. I'm a movie person. I kick ass at the Kevin Bacon game. I can even link Kevin Bacon to me in less than 7 links. I don't really listen to much music. Mostly just the radio in my car. But, I definitely stick to classic rock...and some punk. But, not hardcore punk....and only SOME classic rock. Top ten songs...I don't know. I could tell you some bands I like. As far as classic rock, I like The Doors, Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, stuff like that...Janis Joplin. As far as newer stuff, I like Sublime, uh...Me First & the Gimme Gimmes, Social Distortion. I like the Offspring. I really like The Offspring, I really do, and I don't care what you think! In my experiences, I'm the only person who likes them. I don't care. They were strumming their guitars while you were still in diapers!
14. Top ten films?
On the flip side to what I previously said, being a movie person, I find it nearly impossible to narrow down my favorite movies to just 10. There's thousands of great movies out there. If I listed 10, I'd surely be forgetting half a million other great movies. But, I will name ten of my favorite movies anyways, in no particular order: E.T., Schindler's List, Shawshank Redemption, Reservoir Dogs, A.I., Saving Pivate Ryan, Pleasantville, The Godfather: Part II, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, and, uh......Bowling For Columbine (my newest addition to the list). I could think of tons more movies. There's too many. All my favorites are dramas, if you didn't notice. I'm not a big comedy fan. Ha!
15. How do you vote?
Easy. First I go to the polling place and tell them my name, and then they hand me a ballot, and then I sit in the voting booth, and I read the questions, and I use this little pen to poke holes next to the candidates that I want to vote for. Ha! I stick to Libertarians as much as possible....but when I don't feel like throwing away my vote, I go Democrat.
16. Who would you fuck....anyone....?
I'd fuck your mom. I'd fuck Jodie Foster. Uh...and Uma Thurman. All three of the girls on Friends. Meg Ryan. Christina Aguilera. Brad Pitt. Drew Barrymore. Marilyn Monroe (if she was alive; not her rotting corpse, you sick fucks!)....oh, and all of my female diary readers. Wait, did I say Brad Pitt.....I meant, uh...alright fine, Brad Pitt too.....but only if Jennifer Aniston was watching.
17. KFC McDonalds Taco Bell or BK?
Taco Bell. I'm a vegetarian. I don't think it's very nice to eat the poor little animals. The Extreme Cheese Quesadillas at Taco Bell are scrumptious too. I get an erection just thinking about their cheesy goodness.
18. If you could make your own brand of liquer what would you call it, what would be the slogan, logo and what would be in it?
Um.....How about Edgar Frog's Down & Dirty Old-Fashioned Keg Whiskey. I think it needs to have a long name that people just end up abbreviating and calling Edgar Frog's....The slogan would have to be something like "Drink this shit if you don't want the world to think you're a pussy", the logo would be a cowboy riding a bull and jumping through a ring of fire, and it would be 100% whiskey with a touch of ginseng too. Gotta love that ginseng!
19. Whats your strangest adventure ever? (can't already be in diary)
Um.....one time in 3rd grade I was walking home from school, and some fucking guy jumped out of the bushes and tried grabbing me. I started running, with my backpack and all, and the fucking guy chased me for probably about a mile, and it was all uphill. Even though I was only like 9 years old, I outran the old fuck. Later that evening, some other kids in my apartment complex complained about the same guy, and their parents called the cops. They arrested the guy, and it turns out he was some kind of child molester. That's how close I came to being anally devirginized at the age of 9. I'm quick though. Nobody can outrun me. Especially when my anal devirginization is on the line.
20. Bush or Bin Laden?
Yeah, what about them? Who would I rather fuck in the ass in a dark alley? Osama Bin Laden, of course.
