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3:50 a.m. - 2002-10-19
Brain vs. Brawn (presumably followed by Brain's funeral): Part One
So, tonight, I went to a bar by myself.

Which I rarely do, belive it or not. I usually go with a friend, or my roommate, or a coworker....or somebody.

Tonight, though, I went alone...to a little bar in Ocean Beach, California....the scumbag capital of the world.

Believe it or not, it was actually my FIRST time ever going to a bar alone.

I always go with somebody else...if for no other reason than to have somebody there to wipe my vomit off me when my stomach self-destructs.

I never have problems when I go drinking with my roommate, except for the occasional near-death experiences.

When I'm in Vegas and go drinking with my friends there, we never have problems.

We mind our own business.

We talk, we laugh, we vomit, etc....No harm done. When I'm with my friends, we don't get in barfights. We avoid trouble....and trouble avoids us.

But, tonight.....Tonight I went drinking alone...

Just me and Jack....

So, tonight, the usual rules didn't apply;

Here's how I almost got in a barfight.....with a girl!

Oh, and some muscle-bound weightlifter guy with bulging biceps....!

Actually, I guess I should say: "Here's how I almost got my ass kicked tonight":

I'm standing by the bar, waiting to squeeze my way up there to order another Jack & Coke, and there's this cute-ass blonde girl standing right next to me. Out of the corner of my eye, I see her keep looking at me, and I'm thinking, "Man oh man, that chick can't take her eyes off me. She's totally eye-fucking me. She must be undressing me with her eyes."

I figured she wanted to take a ride on the ol' Edgar Frog Express.

Choo choo!

Some muscle-bound, weightlifter type guy was sitting at the bar in front of me. I squeezed past him and got my way to the bar, ordered my drink from the bartender, and handed the bartender a 20-dollar bill.

The bartender brought me my drink...and my change. $4.50 for a Jack & Coke...I got a 10, a 5, and two quarters back.

The girl came up and grabbed my arm.

I think to myself, "This is it....she's making the move. She's about to ask me to follow her to the bathroom so she can suck my dick in one of the stalls..."........I can read these bar girls' minds.

Instead, she said this: "Give me back my 10-dollar bill, asshole. I saw you fucking steal it."

I laughed...expecting a laugh in return.

She didn't laugh.

She was serious.

This got the attention of the muscle-bound, steroid addict sitting at the bar. He turned to me and said this, "You stole this girl's 10-dollar bill?"

The girl grabbed my shirt collar, "Give me my 10 dollars, asshole!"

She pushed me, causing me to bump into the crowd of people behind me....who then turned around to express their anger that I had just bumped into them.

"GIVE ME BACK THE 10 DOLLARS YOU STOLE FROM ME, ASSHOLE," she yelled.

She really yelled it...!

For god's sake, she fucking yelled it....still having a firm grip on my shirt collar and trying to grab the money from my hand.

The whole crowd of people was watching now.

The muscle guy stood up. He outweighed me by probably 150 pounds.

He would've floored me with one punch.

In my mind, I silently bid a final farewell to my teeth. "Nice knowing you," I thought to my teeth.

"You stole this girl's money?", the muscle jock said....He didn't even know her...."Empty out your pockets, man, don't make me ask again," he said.

I had an angry girl grabbing me by my shirt collar, yelling at me to return the 10 bucks I stole from her....I had a hulking steroid addict towering over me, telling me to empty my pockets....and I had a crowd of people watching in anticipation of a bar brawl....

Here's the worst part:

I was hiding a handful of cash in my left hand....the change from the 20 I had given the bartender.

A 10, a 5, and two quarters.

So, I really DID have a 10-dollar bill hidden in the clutch of my hand...!

"Empty out your pockets, and show us what's in your hand," the steroid ogre said.

Boy, was I in trouble....

To be continued....

 

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