12:21 a.m. - 2002-09-23
Cowabunga!
Maybe you don't know this, but I'm a wanna-be actor.
Eh, I guess I shouldn't say that.....
I don't want to be an actor. I am an actor.
I just wanna-be paid more often for doing it.
So, Tuesday I'm driving up to Hollywood to try out to play a WWII prisoner of war in a documentary about the liberation of the Bataan death camps.
I did a little research:
The Japs made the American P.O.W.s walk half-naked on a 60-mile "death march" through rain and extreme humidity to the prison camps in Bataan, Philippines.
You could not eat or drink for days, and if you walked too slow, Japanese samurais would behead you with a sword as your fellow soldiers watched.
The Japs would make the P.O.W.s line up at the edge of a freshwater stream, but you were not allowed to drink from it...the soldiers who gave in to their thirst, and rushed to the water to drink from it, were beheaded. At one point, the group of soldiers reached a contaminated, sewage-filled stream that had a bloated, maggot-infested corpse laying in it. This was the only stream the American P.O.W.s were allowed to drink from, and so they did...as their Japanese captives watched and laughed. At night, the P.O.W.s were kept in a barbed wire cage, with no bathroom facilities, so they had to sleep with their own feces and urine.
Sounds like a blast. I could do that.
Plus, I have experience wallowing in my own filth.
In order to play a P.O.W. for this documentary, the requirement is that I be skinny...very skinny. You have to portray somebody who hasn't eaten anything but bread and grass for months.
I can do that.
I'm skinny. You should see me.
You also have to be willing to shave your head completely, and STOP shaving your face for a month.
I can do that.
In fact, to better my chances of getting the part, I have already stopped shaving. It's sweet.
I look like a filthbag.
And, if I do get the part on Tuesday, it'll be even sweeter. I'll be getting paid to look like a fucking bum.
I'll actually have to go to work at my full-time job, with a shaved head and a shitty face full of beard stubble.
I can't wait.
The movie studio told me that when they meet with me on Tuesday, they want to see me with my shirt off, to make sure I'm skinny enough.
I think I got this one in the bag. If you were much skinnier than me, you would be dead.
But, the anticipation of playing a P.O.W. in a Japanese death camp has almost turned me anorexic. Lately, I've been looking at my stomach, and wondering if I'm getting fat. I don't want to have any sort of a gut, or love handles, when I go try out for the P.O.W. role.
I had pizza yesterday, and I wanted to make myself vomit it up.
Plus, with the whiskey I've been drinking lately, it's got me worried.....That'll go straight to my gut if I'm not careful.
I think I'm alright though.
I'm 6'2" and I weigh 145 lbs.
Not bad, not bad...
Don't worry, I don't have an eating disorder...I'm just naturally skinny.
Although, I'd still like to get my weight down to double-digits by Tuesday.
95 pounds would be ideal.
I should tell the movie people that I'm a shoe-in for this role. Not only am I skinny, but I have experience wallowing in my own filth. I have experience eating contaminated foods and vomiting. In Germany, I survived extreme weather conditions....
The only thing I haven't experienced is the threat of having my head chopped off with a sword....
Maybe instead of going to the local saloon next weekend, my roommate and I should go drink Jack Daniels at the local kung-fu supply store.
Tsao Tsung's Kung-Fu Emporium would be a great place to get plastered with whiskey and party till sun-up.
And shooting a little PCP into our bloodstreams couldn't hurt either....
Hopefully, we wouldn't leave until at least one us was beheaded.
Although, personally I prefer the bo as my kung-fu weapon of choice.
The bo is a long stick. Donatello used it in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Donatello was always my favorite Ninja Turtle.
It's too bad the Ninja Turtles ate pizza so much, instead of drinking Jack Daniels and shooting up PCP.
Same with Splinter, their rat master....and April O'Neill, their newscaster lady-friend...
They should've all partied hard in the sewers with whiskey and PCP.
I wouldn't mind seeing them all get naked and crazy. It would be fun to see Leonardo attack the other turtles with his sword, and then pass out face down in his own shit.
And I have a feeling that, by the end of the night, if whiskey and PCP were mixed, April O'Neill would somehow end up with Michelangelo's nunchuks shoved into her vagina.
Turtle Power!
