12:52 a.m. - 2002-06-05
Every man dies....not every man really lives.
I was talking with one of my lady friends about what I thought would be the greatest way to die, so as to spark the most controversy and confusion when your dead body is eventually found....assuming you're missing for a while, and then somebody stumbles upon your dead body after a day or so.
For me, I told her, the greatest way to die...the greatest way to be found dead...would be drunk and masturbating.
I would like for my dear mother to walk in....or my grandma....and find me dead, sitting on the floor, with a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and my erect penis in the other hand.
Rigor mortis will have already set in, you see, by the time my body is found....which is why my penis will still be erect. My whole body will be stiff...penis included.
"As a female," I asked my lady friend, "wouldn't it be great for you to die masturbating? Wouldn't it be splendid for your dear grandmother to walk in, only to find your nude body lying dead on the floor, with a 9" vibrator stuck in your vaginal canal?"
She said she wouldn't want to die like that. It would be too embarrassing, she said. She couldn't live with herself after being found that way.
"You won't need to live with yourself....or be embarrassed. You'll be dead."
Death while masturbating is possible. Same with death during sex. During sexual arousal, blood flow increases....which could easily trigger a blood clot. Heart attacks and brain aneurysms are common during orgasm.
Add alcohol into the mix, which reduces the amount of blood flow to the brain, and you're basically playing Russian Roulette everytime you masturbate.
I thought it was humorous, by the way, when my lady friend said she'd be embarrassed to be found dead with a vibrator lodged in her vagina.
Aside from the obvious fact that you won't feel embarrassment when you're dead, her statement was funny because of this:
Death is embarrassing no matter what. You will no doubt be making a goofy face. You may be found nude. And on top of all that, your body thoroughly shits itself during death, as the muscles in your body relax. The coroner is also going to see you naked....up close and personal.
And let's hope you're wearing clean underwear.
So, as for me, if it's going to be embarrassing anyways, I might as well be found with whiskey in one hand and my penis in the other.
I was jumping to conclusions, though, when I told her that being found that way would be the GREATEST way to be found.
Surely, there is more embarrassing and controversial and downright thought-provoking ways to be found dead.
On afterthought, I corrected myself, and told my lady friend that the GREATEST way to be found dead would be naked, surrounded by empty whiskey bottles, with a Nerf football lodged in your rectum, and child porn pictures taped to your nipples.
Taped to your nipples.....
With duct tape, of course.
"Why duct tape," she asked?
"So the child porn pictures won't come unstuck from your nipples and blow away....Why else?" I told her.
It would be unclear to anybody who found you why the child porn pictures were taped to your nipples. It's even unclear to me, and I'm the one who thought of it. The glory of the situation would be that so much investigation would go into the child porn pictures, and why they were taped to your nipples, that the Nerf football jammed into your ass would soon become a forgotten fact. As well as the fact that you're naked, and the fact that you're a disgusting alcoholic.
It's one of the rare instances, by the way, when a Nerf football stuck inside your rectum CAN become a forgotten fact...
So, if you're trying to think of your own great way to die, let me conclude by saying that my secret to a great death is this:
Nudity is the key...whiskey should be involved...and child porn adds a nice touch.
It's kind of funny, actually...
That's also my secret to a great life.
