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6:23 p.m. - 2002-05-11
The answer, my friend, is swinging in the wind
Well, I got a job.

I am no longer an unemployed slob with no money.

Now I am an employed slob with no money.

I went out last night to celebrate, and ended up in a drunken stupor at the end of the night. While out walking around, I decided to jump on a bush.

Not OVER a bush, not IN a bush.....My plan was to jump and land ON the bush, as if it were rock solid.

I don't know what I would've done if I had been able to stand ON the bush. I might have riverdanced up there. Or gotten naked.....

Or both.

In my opinion, there is nothing more fun than riverdancing naked. It is quite a sight to see my penis flopping around every which way as I tear up the dance floor to the tune of Irish folk music.

Any activity can become rather entertaining and/or disturbing, if performed by a nude man. Nude women are graceful. They can run on the beach naked or jump on a trampoline naked, or, yes, even riverdance naked, and it would look magnificent. They would not look like a freak show.

Their bodies are designed that way. They are graceful and aerodynamic and proportioned. The most awkward sight, if a nude woman were to perform a physical activity, would be her breasts bouncing up and down....but it wouldn't be THAT awkward, and the bouncing would be slight and controlled.

Nude men were not designed to be aesthetically pleasing while performing physical activites. Our testicles and penis flop around all over the place. There is no control. And the flopping is not symmetrical...it's not even an aesthetically pleasing flop. I mean, the testicles might swing up to the left, while the penis flops around to the right. The penis might wag back and forth while the testicles swing around the penis, like a tetherball.

A nude man, doing jumping jacks, for instance is not a pretty sight. Trust me, I've looked in the mirror and seen for myself.

Nobody likes seeing penises flop and swing and wag around. And penises are ALWAYS flopping and swinging and wagging, even when you can't see them.

Anyways, I ran up to this bush, with my penis flopping around in my pants, and jumped up and landed IN the bush, as you'd expect. I fell face first in the thorny mess of twigs and branches.

Presently, I am severely cut and scraped. My pinky finger is split open...only a band-aid is holding it together, I think.

And I think I broke my wrist too. I can't feel my right hand.

The bush messed me up.

Luckily, I wasn't naked...so my penis is okay. No numbness, no scratches or bruises on it....Trust me, I checked it for about a half hour this morning in the shower.

But, I suppose even if I had been naked during my fiasco with the bush, my penis might still have remained unharmed. A moving target is hard to hit.

And, if I had been naked, my penis and testicles would've probably been flopping around so fast that the branches would not have caught them.

That's why I think American soldiers should be given new uniforms. They should dress soldiers up in giant floppy penis costumes when they send them off to war, and they should have helmets that look like big testicles that bounce around all over the place.

Even female soldiers.

The enemy would never be able to aim accurately at an army of giant, floppy penises running towards them on the battlefield, guns drawn, and testicles swinging in the wind.

 

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