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11:41 p.m. - 2001-12-19
It's My Aeroplane
So, in exactly one week, I will be boarding a plane on a flight towards the motherland....deep into the heart of Nazi Germany....BERLIN.

It is a 18-hour flight from my local airport in San Diego, California to Cologne, Germany, where I will be arriving.

It is a flight to the other side of the planet.

Terrorists concern me, especially since the word on the street is that covert terrorist groups in Germany and England are kidnapping and assassinating American tourists over there. And I am as American as they come.

But, my main concern is the 18-hour flight.

Eighteen hours.....

What do you do on a 18-hour flight? Who will I be sitting next to? I don't think I've ever done anything for 18 hours....The longest I've ever slept was 13 hours, I think. Longest car drive I ever took was probably around 15 hours, if I had to guess.

My hopes, of course, are that I will be seated next to a Playboy Playmate...or better yet, a Penthouse Pet.

But, I will most certainly be seated between a three-piece suit businessman and an overly-talkative old lady.

I'm worried that I will not enjoy their company. Perhaps they will snore. Maybe their noses will whistle when they breathe. Maybe they'll be armrest hogs.

On an 18-hour flight, we'll have to sleep at some point. What if their head falls on my shoulder in their sleep?

I've concocted some plans, which I hope will make my seat partners leave me alone.

My first plan is to download detailed blueprints of the fuselage of the plane I shall be flying in. The exact make and model of airplane. Then, while I'm sitting there, I will just sit in silence, and analyze the blueprints of the plane. At random moments, I will say something aloud to myself, like, "Foolish American engineers! I can't believe they put the starboard deflector fin so close to the AB-5 booster. Even the smallest of bombs would cause us to go into an uncontrollable tailspin".....and "Yes, yes, I think an explosive located here...and here...would easily do the job."

I'll point to random areas of the blueprint as I say it.

Then, I'll make small talk with the people seated near me, explaining how I am a Saudi refugee, and that my hatred for American infidels grows stronger with each passing moonrise. Then, I'll casually mention how easily a home-made bomb could rip through the polystyrene shell of our plane, and how an Arabian-born immigrant like myself could easily be tempted to destroy the plane in the name of Allah, if the foolish Americans seated near me were bothersome or annoying in any way. Granted, I don't look Arabian-born, but nobody will question that in the face of such danger.

"Hypothetically, I could probably destroy this plane with the simple push of a button...But, if you let me sit in peace for 18 hours, without bothering me, I might be tempted to spare your worthless American lives...hypothetically," I'll tell them.

Chances are, they will sit in silence for the remainder of the flight after this.

And if they narc on me to a stewardess, there would be no incriminating evidence against me. It would be my word against theirs. All I would have on my person is an airplane blueprint, which isn't illegal to have.

So, that's one plan I've thought of to ensure a peaceful flight.

My second plan is to force all the other passengers to sit far away from me, by eating nothing but beans and chili for the week leading up to the flight. And cabbage, too...

My third and final plan, to force the other passengers to avoid contact with me, is to just sit there quietly with my penis hanging out of my pants, and then every once in a while, when nobody is expecting it, I'll act shocked and yell, "What the hell is that?! Oh...never mind, it's just my penis!"

To be honest, the third plan is most likely the plan I'll end up using.

 

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