11:20 p.m. - 2001-11-18
Women's Lib: Part 3
For my November edition of Women's Lib, I hired a loyal fan of my diary from Connecticut; a cute, skinny, little 15-year-old hispanic ballerina.
She sent me the pre-requisite photo of herself, and she looked pretty cute to me, and since she is of hispanic descent, I figured she would be perfect to write about female flatulation.
Because you know how those Spanish people like to eat beans, and chili, and all those other gassy foods.
Down in Mexico, them Mexicans eat dogs too....which also might be a gassy food.
The cool thing about these Women's Lib entries, particularly this one, is that if anybody ever complains that my diary is gross, I can say, "Hey, don't blame me. The grossest entries aren't even written by me. Blame the cute, sweet, little, skinny girls who write such sick-ass shit."
Anyways, here's her entry on flatulation:
I sometimes don't understand why girls don't like to admit when they fart. Either that or they think its a sin. I just usually sit in my chair, take a whiff, smile and admit "whoo that was a doozy." I bet those who dont admit it are sitting at a desk and doing their homework while farting to a beat.
For me farting is a huge relief. The smell can make me laugh. The worse the smell the happier I become. Speaking of smell, my farts usually smell more when I'm in a really good mood. Like when you just finished eating a bowl of rocky road ice cream and you're watching Pretty woman and you just let one rip, those smell the worst yet make you the happiest. Sort of like getting pleasure out of pain.
Ya know... farting can in some ways be a great party game. My best friend and I always have contests to see who can fart the loudest, for the longest period of time, whose face gets the reddest and our favorite... whose fart smells the most. My friend and I are weird, we miss the smells when they're gone. Farts are also a great way to strike up a conversation with a bud.
I honestly think there are hundreds of different kinds of farts I havnt even experienced yet. From what I have experienced I can tell you the wet ones are the worst. They make this gurgling noise and you get this moist, yellow stain on your panties. My personal favorite have to be the silent ones which lets out all your stress without letting everyone know. The most embarrassing have to be the ones that you think are going to be silent but end up being loud, long and for some reason almost squeeky. They're funny though. Maybe it's just me, but farting has become my favorable passtime. Constipation also makes farting a shitload more painful.
Yes, that's right, you heard her correctly. She said "moist, yellow stain"....Hey, you think you feel sick?! You think you have it bad?! I was eating breakfast when I first read that. A bowl of cereal.
You should feel sorry for me.
I questioned her about this whole "moist, yellow stain" sentence, and she told me "all girls get that."
It makes me sick. All you girls make me sick. EVERY one of you!
Anyways, I just might start dressing up like a sailor now and hang out at a bar called The Flame or The Red Rocket or something like that. Somewhere where no foul-smelling, panty-stained girls will be.
Eh, maybe I won't do that...the guys there are probably all wearing stained panties too.
There's no escape.
