12:51 a.m. - 2001-11-01
Silent Night
This Halloween, I decided to watch a spooky movie....and I ended up watching the scariest movie I think I've ever seen. It is entitled "Haxan", and it is an old silent documentary from 1922 about witchcraft. To me, old silent movies are kind of scary anyways...even when they're not supposed to be. They are either very blue, or very yellow....and the people either move way too fast or way too slow. Some Charlie Chaplin movies give me nightmares, for instance, and they are comedies...imagine the horror of Haxan, which is actually supposed to be scary. It is actually an educational documentary about the occult, witchcraft, and the inquisition. So, it'll have some witchcraft fact written, and then it will have scary, silent actors do reenactments of the scene. Maybe they showed this crap in school back then.
Did I mention the movie is Dutch? Haxan means "witch" in Dutch. By the way, the production company which made The Blair Witch Project is called Haxan Films, named after this movie.
This movie taught me many things. I learned that when witches pledge themselves to the devil, they have to kiss his behind in gratitude....and the movie depicted this in a reenactment with a fairly chubby actor dressed as Satan, and ladies portraying witches kissing his ass. He's like the Ron Jeremy of the 1920's. Also, the movie mentioned how some witches would take the form of a cat and defecate on the altar of the church, while two of Satan's minions took the form of animals and stood guard at the church door. I thought it was a spooky touch how the movie refused to use a real cat in the reenactment of this scene. Rather, it chose to have a midget in a cat costume pretend to defecate on an altar, while two grown men dressed as horses stood at the door.
In another scene, a witch wants a fat-ass friar at her church to fall in love with her. So what does she do? The obvious, of course: She feeds him cat feces and dove hearts, mixed with sparrow semen. After spiking his drink, the man is hungry for sex, and a wacky chase begins, as he runs after her through a forest, grabbing at her ass.
Other signs that you are a witch, according to Haxan:
Milking an axe and making milk flow from the handle.
Eating a sloppy joe without a fork (at least, it appeared to be a sloppy joe).
Urinating in a pot and throwing it on somebody's front door.
Since it was silent, it would show the Dutch words, and then underneath would be the English translation. At one point in the film, I noticed the Dutch words "modern klinik" were translated as "modern clinic".
"WHOA!" I thought to myself, "Dutch is easy as pie. I don't need no stinkin' English translations."
So, I tried to follow the plot reading only the Dutch words. This, however, did not work.
One of the sentences had the word "fart", which didn't seem to apply to the scene they were showing of a witch being burned at the stake. Another part of Haxan featured the word "blakkula" in the Dutch writing....but I doubt they were referring to the 70's blaxploitation film Blackula, about the black Dracula. More than 50 years before Blackula was released in theaters.
Also, at the end of the movie it said "SLUT" in large letters.....Dutch for "END" apparently.
The female star of the movie was really cute too. A sweet, young, twentysomething blonde. She was the main witch. I want to locate this actress and pledge my love to her, maybe marry her...even though I'm predicting her current age to be in the ballpark of 102. Age doesn't matter.
It's just a number.
