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12:42 a.m. - 2001-08-15
Just like that one Jimmy Buffett song
Next door to my apartment complex is a Nazi boot camp disguised as a daycare center for toddlers. Now, I can never see this place too great, and I've never actually seen kids playing out there, but from about 6:oo a.m. on, the sounds of screaming, laughing children echo through the passageways of our apartments.

The little snot-nosed brats wake me up every morning with their high-pitched squeals, god bless the cute little bastards.

I'm not 100% up to speed on the physics of sound waves, or how sound scientifically bounces off things, but somehow my window is in a direct line of fire to the soundwaves from the daycare playground. But, my window is wholly on the other side of the building, and probably about 50 yards away from the playground. So, the soundwaves must bounce in a perfect geometric pattern to get to my window, like an 8-ball sinking into a corner pocket after bouncing off the cushions a few times.

But, almost more annoying than the children's screams is the sound of the adult supervisors who yell into bullhorns at the children. I can never see what's going on, but I can always hear the adults yelling at the kids through their goddamned bullhorns. "Michael, stay away from that fence," "Jamie, don't touch that."

They really use bullhorns.

I imagine the adult supervisors probably being fat, quadriplegic cripples who just sit in wheelchairs, unable to move. So bullhorns are their only way to get the kids' attention.

But, this morning I heard the strangest thing I've ever heard an adult yell to one of the children. It was an adult lady who yelled it, and I quote:

"Marisa, that's not how you ride a tire swing!"

It got me thinking.

How do you ride a tire swing? What's the proper way? I mean, it's acceptable to spin on it, it's acceptable to go back and forth on it. I even looked on the internet for Tire Swing Riding Instructions and found none. Few would disagree that spinning on a tire swing is not improper. They are designed to spin. A back-and-forth motion is certainly proper as well, hence the word "swing".

So, what the fuck was Marisa doing?

She must have been neither spinning nor swinging. Well, what then?! I can't even begin to imagine what Marisa's hyperactive ass was doing. So, I began thinking of what the "wrong" way to ride a tire swing could be, and there aren't many wrong ways. Tire swings are kind of limitless.

What the fuck kind of kid is Marisa to neither spin nor swing anyways? She's going to grow up to be a biker whore, I just know it.....with her reckless attitude. She must have been snorting some fat lines of coke before daycare this morning, and completely abusing the tire swing during her delirious powder-high.

Marisa must've been ass-naked straddling the chain of the tire swing with her thighs, like a 5-year-old pole dancer, or possibly cramming her little body into the hollow middle area of the tire and trying to shake the tire from within.

Marisa, Marisa, Marisa......there are rules in life, young lady!

Personally, I think Marisa is a gang-banger.

Just a theory.

Or maybe she's just retarded.

 

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