12:31 a.m. - 2001-08-12
Urine for a surprise
I was sitting on the couch earlier and realized I had to piss. And it got me thinking: What if I just sat here and didn't urinate. How long could I last? Everybody's been in a situation where they had to pee, and held it for whatever reason. Especially girls, I'm sure. Girls must have to hold it a lot since they can't just go stand in the corner somewhere. And girls need toilet paper when they pee too. So, if a girl isn't near an actual toilet with toilet paper, I'm sure she holds it.
And I'm thinking it must be tougher for a girl to hold it than a guy, since guys have like 4-10 inches more urinary tubing than a female's body. 4-10 inches depending on the guy. With some black men, that number may be in the 12-15 inch range. But, if the urine has to flow through more tubing on a guy, then it should be easier for us to hold it in.
So, what if I just stopped pissing altogether? What if I tried holding it for as long as humanly possible? What would happen? I might piss my pants, but that would probably only happen in my sleep. You can control it when you're awake. Okay, but assuming I just stayed awake the whole time. Then what? Would my bladder explode? Would I get some sort of urinary infection? Would I faint from some sort of bladder cramps? I can't imagine that I would piss my pants while awake, no matter how badly I had to go.
I can't imagine my bladder exploding either. What would that be like? When it explodes, it would just send urine flying everywhere inside my body. Urine would just be freely flowing in my system, in my bloodstream, soaking into my muscles and bones. But, realistically, I don't think my bladder would explode. That's too Bugs Bunnyish. So what the fuck would happen? Has anybody ever tried this? Holding their urine for as long as humanly possible?
I really don't know what would happen.
I think I might try. And to add to it, I'll drink a soda every hour on the hour. I won't sleep during the experiment either, to prevent pissing my pants in my sleep. Whatever happens, I want to be awake to witness it. I want my bladder to be so full of urine that my stomach starts to bulge like a beer gut. A urine gut, is what I want. I want to make sloshing sounds when I walk like a human water balloon. Okay, maybe some urine will drip out of my penis when I sit down or something, but I will be able to hold most of it in for a while. A few days, I'm predicting......and then it's anybody's guess as to what will happen.
I should barricade myself in a little room and charge admission for people to come in and watch me. My slogan will be: "I don't know what will happen when my bladder gives up on me, but it's bound to be entertaining." People can just watch as I drink soda after soda and hold my urine till some strange result occurs. I'd make a lot of money off admission, I'm sure. The local news would probably show up to watch also.
That would be the entrepreneurial way to do it.
But, realistically, if I do perform this experiment, my guess is that the ultimate result will be me laying in a fetal position on the floor at work while a crowd of people gather around watching as I groan in pain and a 10-gallon puddle of urine forms on the carpet around my swollen body.
Hopefully, the crowd will at least toss some money at me while I lay there. So I get something out of it.
Or if nothing else, a round of applause while I'm being carried away on a stretcher.
