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1:53 p.m. - 2003-10-19
Professor Frog
Here's what I learned last night:

If you take the elevator at the Hard Rock casino to the very top floor of the parking garage, it takes you to a mysterious, dark and deadly construction level with I-beams and tools and ladders laying all over the place. I think there are only like 5 levels of parking, but the elevator has 6 buttons.

When the doors opened, it revealed a maze of pipes and ladders and crap. You could even climb ladders up to other levels. It was like an adult playground.

Easily accessible to drunks.

So, me and my friends immediately ran out and started climbing around on rusty pipes and rickety ladders, all the while inhaling asbestos and setting off silent alarms, I'm sure.

2 or 3 levels below us, people were happily walking to and from their vehicles, not knowing about the secret construction zone above them.

I found myself alone, at one point. My friends had disappeared, and had, I assumed, been arrested.

I found one ladder which was a good 50 feet tall; it wobbled in the wind and led way up to a tiny little cubbyhole at the very top of the building.

I felt like it was the last level of a Super Mario Bros. game. Like I was Mario and had to climb around on all this shit and then climb the final ladder to get to Koopa's cave and beat the game.

I thought he might start throwing fireballs down the ladder towards me from his little cubbyhole. I couldn't climb that shit. I had nobody to hold the ladder, and it was the world's wobbliest 50-foot ladder.

Plus, I was small Mario. Not big Mario. If I got hit with a fireball, I would've fucking died.

Here's what else I learned: Drinking a mug of whiskey causes hallucinations. A coffee mug, I mean. With pure whiskey. No coke. Few ice cubes. I thought I saw spiders attacking me.

There were no spiders.

The levels of whiskey glass sizes goes in this order, I guess, as far as the size of the vessel you're drinking from: Shot glass, whiskey glass, coffee mug, flask, regular ol' 8 oz. orange juice glass, Big Gulp cup, whiskey bottle.

It may be possible to go above that by filling a Sparkletts bottle with whiskey. Or a Culligan bottle, if you prefer that company.

I'd like to get to that level someday. Last night I made it to the coffee mug level and started seeing spiders.

I would put "complete and utter failure of the liver" at around the Big Gulp cup level.

That gives me a goal to work towards.

That's what I learned last night: The top level of the Hard Rock parking garage is a dangerous construction zone which drunks are free to play on, and drinking a mug of whiskey causes arachnid hallucinations.

It was a very educational weekend, with all the learning going on.

I should have my own show on the Discovery Channel or something.

Or that Discovery Kids channel.

I'm all about educating the children.

I'm a fan of "hands-on" education. I think kids learn more when they can interact and experience stuff for themselves, rather than just being told random facts which will bore them.

For instance, instead of just telling them about volcanos, I'd give them some baking soda and vinegar and all that crap and let them build their own volcano. Let them experience new things and see for themselves.

Hands-on education.

Don't just tell the kids about whiskey...let them each drink a Big Gulp cup full of whiskey. They can tell me what happens, rather than me telling them.

Learn by doing....

I'd make a good teacher.

 

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