12:09 a.m. - 2003-06-21
Hulkmania
Yeah, "The Hulk" looks alright.
But, first things first....
Let's not forget about "From Justin to Kelly", the American Idol movie, which just opened in theaters today....
First I gotta see "From Justin to Kelly"....and then maybe I'll see "The Hulk" after that...if I have time.
I'm sure "From Justin to Kelly" will feature J & K embarking on a multitude of wild adventures. I just hope to God that the movie features at least 75 minutes of their singing.
Ms. Clarkson's voice is like the voice of an angel sent from Heaven...
And Justin's hair! Ooooh....He's so dreamy! It's enough to make a young girl wet!
But, the real star of this summer will be this hot toy: Hulk Hands, by the fine folks at Toy Biz. Here's a copyrighted picture that I stole from the fine folks at Toy Biz:
They're giant, green, foam hands that kids can wear, and when they punch things, the hands make an electronic growling sound.
Four AAA batteries are included.
It's so kids can punch things and take out their aggression on the world by pretending they're the Hulk.
If I was a kid, I'd wear those fucking Hulk Hands to school. I'd raise my hand a lot when the teacher asked a question too. I'd also pretend to scratch my balls with the monstrous green hands.
For some reason, with Hulk Hands on the market, I anticipate a lot of little girls getting the shit beat out of them by their older brothers. I imagine it will be traumatic for the small girl, getting her skull pummeled by her brother's large, green, veiny hands...and everytime she cries out in pain, the hands will growl at her.
There's no better time to be a kid than now.
I hope a lot of kids punch their mothers with their Hulk Hands. It'll make the mother wonder why she bought them in the first place.
Why she bought the Hulk Hands, I mean....Not why she bought the kids.
I would pay to see a 5-year-old boy beat up his mom with Hulk Hands...I mean, really beat her senselessly. Beat his mom with his foam Hulk Hands until she's unconscious on the kitchen floor.
You can tell kids will do it. Don't assume it's out of the question. Look at the kid in that picture up above, for instance. With his Hulk Hands, and his obvious aggressive nature, he will certainly be in Juvenile Detention by mid-November, I'm guessing.
Just look at him!
Kids are aggressive! Here's an actual news story:
According to police, on May 30, 16-year-old Jason Sweeney's girlfriend lured him to a vacant gravel path by the Delaware River where three teenage boys were waiting. They attacked Sweeney with a hammer and hatchet until his heart stopped, authorities said.
The four teens -- after a group hug -- then robbed the victim, dividing up the $500 that Sweeney had earned at his construction job and went on a drug binge, police said.
Philadelphia Medical Examiner Ian Hood testified that the attackers broke all but one of the bones in Sweeney's face.
Kids do the darnedest things.
The three teenage boys were each 16, and will be tried as adults and probably sentenced to death. The girlfriend, age 15, will be tried as a minor and serve life in prison.
But, you can't blame the cute little bastards for hammering and hatcheting the other kid to death.
They were just trying to let out some of their aggression on him....That's all. The kids needed a way to express their anger and take out their aggression on an innocent person....but their parents probably refused to buy them Hulk Hands.
"You're too old for Hulk Hands. I'm not buying that crap for you. Here's a hammer to entertain yourself with. Now, go play outside and nail some stuff with it. Oh, and if you really want, there's a hatchet in the garage that you can take also."
Yep...And now some 16-year-old kid is dead with his head chopped up and crushed.
I hope everybody understands the importance of Hulk Hands now.
