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11:56 p.m. - 2003-01-24
Once Upon A Hamster
Who cares if I haven't written a new entry in over a week....?!

Not me.

Anyways, my brief disappearance was due to the fact that I've been stuck in Super Bowl traffic for the last week. I left my work last Friday and I just got home tonight.

Not really.....But all the fat slobs in the world are in San Diego this week for the Super Bowl. I have to drive through the insanity everyday. I drove past Qualcomm Stadium the other day....That's where the big game will be played.

The Vatos vs. the Gay Pirates....

At my work the other day, I had to design decals for a 18-inch long Lego bus that Legoland is giving to John Madden. Their hope is that he will show the bus during the Super Bowl and give a cheap shout-out to Legoland on national television.

Legoland kisses ass by building things for people out of Legos.

I had to use some carcinogenic industrial-strength plastic bonding cement to get the decals to stick to the Lego bus. Some of it got on my hands, and my hands turned red and blistered. The glue didn't even have a real name.

It was fucking called E-6000.....

I think that's probably its government designation number that it's listed under at the Center for Disease Control...In a file folder containing a list of known carcinogens......

For all my 15 yr. old fans, carcinogenic means it causes cancer.

I think I'll be developing hand cancer now from this shit.....it bonded my skin to the Legos and tore a layer of skin off in the process.

My skin is probably still stuck to John Madden's shitty Lego bus.

If that fat piece of shit Madden shows it during the Super Bowl, just remember that I died for the good of the Lego bus.

I'm like the Jesus Christ of Legoland.

I'm going to stop writing this entry now and go nighty-night....I have to wake up at 6:30 in the morning tomorrow morning to take my car to get fixed....On a Saturday morning!

I haven't woken up at 6:30 on a Saturday morning since I was 9 years old and I would set my alarm clock so I could get up and watch The Snorks.

It's probably been the same amount of time since I was last sober and whiskey-free on a Friday night.

Fuck cars.

Fuck Legos.

Fuck John Madden.

One good thing is that I'm going to buy a lizard tomorrow. A chameleon....

Or a gecko....

I want the filthiest, most disgusting little motherfucker I can find. I want something that I'm afraid to touch. I want to be grossed out by my own pet, and I want any visitors to my house to be equally disgusted by the slimy little motherfucker. Something with horns...and a sticky tongue...

That's my goal.

I'm going pet shopping tomorrow.

I've already calculated my costs....For the lizard, a "reptilarium", food, a heat lamp, and all the other shit I need, it's going to be about $200.....

No problem!

Yesterday on a local radio station here in San Diego, the radio station sold a pair of Super Bowl tickets in an auction. The winning bid was $10,000....

They could've bought 50 lizard habitats for that....

While I'm at the pet store, I think I might get a hamster too. They're only like five dollars....

And I've always wondered what would happen if you filled a hamster's water bottle up with whiskey....

Surely five dollars is a fair price to pay to see a fat slobby hamster stumble around in its sawdust, vomit in its food bowl, and pass out in a puddle of its own filth and urine....

Hmmm....Actually, I don't really need to give whiskey to the hamster to see it do all that stuff. They do all that stuff anyways. The filthy little bastards.

Hamsters are like Mother Nature's little slobby drunks.

Plus, just like human drunks, they eat their own children.

 

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