11:34 p.m. - 2003-01-16
Drive through your suburbs, into your blues.
So...I got this blue bath towel for Christmas. From my mom. It's hanging in my bathroom right now, in fact.
I use it to dry off my nude body when I get out of the shower.
I washed it first, before I started using it.
The first time I washed it, after I got my new blue towel out of the dryer, you should've seen the lint guard in that machine!!! It was pure blue fuzz.
New towels shed their fuzz.
So, I've been using this towel for the last week or so, but I have one problem with it. Apparently, it needs another washing or something, because every morning after I finish showering and dry myself off, I have to spend 10 minutes standing in front of a mirror, trying to swat blue fuzz off my face.
When I think it's all gone, I'll rub my cheek, and a layer of blue fuzz comes off. It gets in my hair too. And my goatee.
I have a goatee.
As the day progresses, I'll glance down at my arm, and see little blue fuzz in my arm hairs. It gathers in my belly button too. And in my pubic hair.
There's probably blue fuzz in my ass crack too, but I can't see back there....
There's blue fuzz in every one of my orifices.
Today at work, I blew my nose, and there was blue fuzz mixed in with my snot on the Kleenex. The blue fuzz was fucking hiding in my nostrils!
And it's not like I dry off the insides of my nostrils with my bath towel when I get out of the shower...I don't stick my towel up my nose...so, how did the blue fuzz get in there? It's like it has a mind of its own.
Obviously, it was headed towards my brain....probably to destroy me.
Who's to blame for this? What can be done to remedy this situation? Is this a problem that my great-grandchildren will have to deal with years from now, or will modern science have figured out a way to eliminate blue towel fuzz by then?
Here's the worst part....the part that involves my penis:
Ever since I started using my new blue Christmas towel to dry off my nude body, I've been noticing blue fuzz sticking to my testicles. Also, I find blue fuzz hidden under the foreskin of my penis.
I'm circumcised....But, I still have a wrinkly excess of skin on my penis that can potentially gather dust and lint. Usually just dust.
If anybody sees me rubbing my penis this week, I'm just trying to get the fucking blue fuzz off the head of my penis. HONEST!
The blue fuzz on my penis and testicles is not as big of a mystery as the blue fuzz up my nose. It's not a surprise to me that blue fuzz attaches itself to my crotch. Unlike my nostrils, I really DO dry off my genitals with a towel when I get out of the shower. I really do take the ol' towel downtown.
I have to!
You should see my penis and testicles when I get out of the shower.
Boy, are they wet! They need drying! Unlike females, it is not good for a male to have a wet crotch.
One interesting thing I noticed today is that a little piece of blue fuzz somehow lodged itself in the hole at the tip of my penis. As I was urinating, the little piece of blue fuzz somehow acted as a fucking valve in my penis, splitting my urethra into two passageways.
Like a little revolving door in my penis.
Urine shot out of my penis in two opposite directions simultaneously, and neither urine stream went anywhere near where I was aiming. I had a stream of urine shoot sideways towards the sink, and the other stream shot downwards towards my shoes.
I had to try to tighten up my bladder and restrict the urine flow to remove the blue fuzz from my pee-hole with surgical precision.
It was like a fucking two-headed urine monster gone wild.
Just because of a tiny little piece of blue fuzz in my penis!
Goddamn blue towel. Maybe I should stop spending 12 minutes each morning drying off my genitals.
But my testicles and penis can never really be TOO dry, can they?
In fact, I'm going to go dry off my penis right now. I won't use the blue towel though.
I'll just use my bare hands this time.
