9:34 p.m. - 2002-12-15
Impression Time
It's impression time!
No, I'm not going to do my dead-on impression of Jimmy Stewart yelling, "Merry Christmas, movie house! Merry Christmas, Building & Loan!"
I'm not going to do my impression of Rodney Dangerfield's ol' "I get no respect" routine.
And, I'm not going to do an impression of Dennis Miller saying something like, "Al and Tipper in the White House? That's like Clarence Williams riding doubles with Orson Welles on Rosebud in the 1941 Iditarod."
No....Rather, I'm going to do my impression of other people's Diaryland diaries....almost all of which I refuse to read, except for rare and unusual circumstances.
There are three distinct types of Diaryland diaries, so far as I can tell....and I will do a brief impression of each.
Please, save your applause until the end.
Impression 1: The "I hate life" diary, which goes a little something like this:
My life is so horrible. My parents hate me. They don't even pay attention to me. I asked them to buy me crunchy peanut butter at the store, and instead they bought me creamy peanut butter! They know I don't like creamy peanut butter! I wonder why God is punishing me like this. What did I do to deserve this? I am alone in the world.
I am going to go cry about it and shoot myself in the face.
-E
Listening to: Smells Like Teen Spirit (or some other song written by a depresso like me who I can totally relate to)
Impression 2: The "Nothing exciting ever happens in my life, so I'll just tell you about my homework and other boring aspects of my life instead" diary, which goes a little something like this:
I have a final exam in my biology class tomorrow. It is going to be so hard. I have been studying all week. I think I'm going to have to cheat on it to pass the class. I might have to write the test answers on my hand.
Speaking of my hand, I broke a nail today. On my left pinky finger. It was my favorite nail too. I'm so bummed.
My cat had kittens today.
I'm going to go eat and study.
Bye.
Whoa....Slow down there, little diary writer.....You're packing too much action into one diary entry! Slow your pace a little! Reading about your exciting life is too much for me!
And, now for my favorite impression....The third type of diary, which is the "I'm so funny because I say wacky things that don't make sense" diary. Impression 3 goes a little something like this:
I don't know what to write. BLAR BLAR BLAR. Dog poo!! POO!
I said POO.
Aliens stole my brain.....and then they stole my butt!
Aren't I FUNNY? I say things that are wacky, and I say BLAR BLAR BLAR, so I must be funny, right?
DOG POO!
Ah yes...
Those are my three Diaryland impressions. You can applaud now.
I might take my act on the road.
Whenever I accidentally stumble upon another Diaryland diary, it makes me sad to think that I'm a part of this community of idiot savants.
I feel like Steven Spielberg in a room full of Ed Woods.
Or Thornton Howell in a room full of Sam Siscos.
Whoops.....Sorry, I was doing my Dennis Miller impression again.
In other news: I went on a date with Jack Daniel last night, and we went to my local saloon together. There was a brand new waitress there. It was her 2nd day on the job. I told her to remember me, because she'll be seeing a lot of me in the future. I told her that whether she loves me or hates me, she'll never forget me.
By the time the night was over, she had kicked me three separate times.
Also, last night, I was busting a mack on a lovely Asian girl.
I asked her if she was Japanese or Chinese.
She said Japanese.
And then I said, "Yeah, I can never tell the difference between Japanese and Chinese girls, but I was going to guess that you were Japanese."
She asked me why I was going to guess Japanese...and my exact words to her were:
"Because you look like Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid movies."
She didn't kick me, but she did leave in utter disgust.
I guess 21 yr. old Japanese girls don't like being told that they look like 80 yr. old men....
Yeah, as you can probably tell, whenever I say I was "busting a mack", I say it in the loosest definition of the term.
Busting a mack on a girl.....Blatantly insulting a girl.....It's all the same.
Especially when I'm out on a date with Jack Daniel.
I wasn't interested in her anyways.
There's no room in my life for lovely, young Asian girls.
My heart belongs to Jack Daniel.
We're practically going steady, although he's never officially asked me out.
Sometimes I wonder if he loves me as much as I love him. If he doesn't ask me out soon, I'm going to kill myself.
BLAR BLAR BLAR
