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12:53 a.m. - 2002-10-15
Preachy Current Events Entry with Bonus Fun!
I once wrote an entry called "Boring Computer Entry with Bonus Fun!"....The first 50% of it was boring techno-babble. The last half was fun for the whole family. I had to use the bonus fun as a bribe to make people read the boring techno-babble.

I've learned my lesson before that people are easily turned off by "serious" entries. People want humor. People want nudity, and alcohol, and testicles, and dog penises.

So, I'm using the same strategy....which is why this entry is called "Preachy Current Events Entry with Bonus Fun!". I'm going to use this electronic medium to address an important current events topic, and preach about what I think....blah blah blah....as if you care.

So now, here's the preaching part...But, fear not, kiddos, for bonus fun awaits you at the end, if you're brave enough to listen to me preach about my opinions on the state of the world.

I'll give you a hint: The bonus fun involves a cute, cuddly, young girl.

Since this will officially be the longest diary entry ever, I'll make the preaching quick....

The current events topic which I speak of, of course, is the sniper who's taking pop-shots at random people on the east coast. He shoots one bullet per person. As of this writing, he's killed 8 people and injured two more, striking pretty much once a day, and taking the weekends off.

He's a mystery man.

He lives in the shadows.

Nobody knows who he is. Nobody sees anybody fire the shots.

All we know is he drives a white Chevy Astro van, with a ladder rack on top. It has been seen driving away from three separate sniper murders.

Nobody ever thinks to follow it.

My complaint is this: America is a country full of chickenshits.

America is a country full of PUSSIES.

Some people will disagree.

But, if somebody had the balls enough to actually FOLLOW this white van, this guy would already be caught. People have been "on the lookout" for the white van for the last week. If I was in the sniper area, and I heard a gunshot, and I saw a lady fall to the ground bleeding, and I saw a white Chevy Astro van zooming off into the sunset, I'd follow him...

Trail him to his house. See where he goes. See what he looks like. Get the license plate number.

Do something.

Instead everybody just hides and points at the van as it drives off, and says, "There he goes! There goes the sniper!"

The reason our country is terrorized so easily, is because the people in this country are so easily terrorized.

Columbine: Same thing.

September 11: Same thing.

Two junkies with shotguns should not be able to take over an entire school. You gang up on them, you mob them. They can't shoot everybody. At some point they have to reload. Grab the gun. 500 unarmed people can still win over two armed people.

Eight ragheads with box cutters should not be able to take over an entire plane, let alone get behind the controls. 300 people on a plane can subdue eight guys with knives! They really can!

If everybody attacked them, a few people would've gotten cut. A couple people might have lost their lives. A few brave men might have died for the good of the plane.

The Twin Towers would still be standing today.

The sniper is not all he's cracked up to be. You live in the D.C. area, you hear a single gunshot, you see a van driving off....follow that motherfucker. Tackle him. Citizen's arrest. Do whatever it takes.

Until then, he'll be back tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that.

The moral of my story is this:

The world needs more people who brave their way out of the rubble through the smoke-filled air....and less people who hide under their desks waiting for the dust to settle, as the earth shakes all around them....


With that being said, I proudly present:

Women's Lib 10

My Women's Lib entries, as you know, are a monthly feature where I get a random, cute, cuddly, lovable, innocent young lady to write about the filthy, disgusting topic of my choice. It is my little contribution to the Women's Liberation movement....

Recently, a 15-year-old girl named Hannah, from Prescott, Arizona, signed the guestbook of my diary, requesting to write a Women's Lib entry. She sent me her picture and just about knocked my socks off. She looks so cute and cuddly.

She's about the sexiest 15-year-old I know....I can't help but want to ravage her little body, even though I was in 3rd grade when she was born.

I can't help but want to pour mustard into her vagina, dip a corn dog in there, and gobble it up.

I really can't help it.

I found out that she was a virgin. I found out that her sexual experience was limited to handjobs. And I found out that she didn't even know what a "douche" was....She was so innocent, I had a hard time thinking of a topic for her.

Although I once had a Women's Lib girl write about constipation, I decided to have this month's cutie write about another aspect of constipation....this time with a focus on stopping up the toilet with her rock-hard feces:



People really do take for granted when their toilet flushes. NO ONE ever stops and thinks "oh how nice, my shit just vanished through a hole on this porcelin chair-like device so that I never have to see, smell, or think about it again, I am really glad, this time out of millions, my toilet didnt let me down". Ok, maybe you do think about it, but only the time after it doesnt work.

The time the toilet stopped up because of me was awhile ago but not easily forgotten. I find it easiest to shit in my own home, naturally anyone would. Now, it takes a fine lot to stop up a toilet I must say... and if you havnt been in the comfort of your own home to excrete the waste you need to in a while, then you really have something coming for you. By that time your feces must settle in you colon and get hard, or something, because those are a bitch. The kind of shit that assures you that anal sex can not be very enjoyable. If I have penis sized shit coming out of my ass and it is not too pleasent how can ass-love be any better? Well, I guess it is better because you dont have to use a plunger afterwards.

On this particular inccident I had one of those anal ripping experiances, I finished my task of excreting without my butt bleeding,and I was proud. I then flushed, pulled up my pants and went to wash my hands, out of the corner of my eye I noticed that the toilet was not doing what it was supposed to, I could still see a huge mess of TP and feces. This is not right. It did not take me long to realize that I had stopped up the toilet.

I had taken a shit so powerful that not even the force of an excellent toilet could get rid of it, I was even more proud. I figured an extra flush would take care of it, but the water only filled up to the brim of the toilet and that scared me I ventured up stairs to retrieve the all-feared-plunger.

I, typically, became distracted and forgot all about my unfinished duty...until I heard my brothers friend, Jesse, say "DUDE! Jonathan! come here and take a whiff of this! All I wanted to do was take a piss... this is a fine peice of work. Did you create this beauty?...hey, you know I am not going to piss in this unless that is gone"

My heart stopped. My pride withered. I needed to play this cool. So, I walked downstairs as if I had no clue what was going on.

"Hey guys, what's going on here?....oh hey, Jesse I didnt know you were here. How have-"

"Hannah, you need to clean up your shit dude. You are worse than my dog...can you please clear this up before I either puke or piss my pants, I will make you clean that up too."

I really hate my brothers friends. I tried to save myself.

"Dude, I had no part in this, but since you two are too prideful to claim your own shit... I will be cool enough so solve your own problems and not bust your manhood.. I will get the plunger"

The rest is self explainitory, I got the plunger, they watched me impatiently as I had shit water splashed on me cleaning up "their" mess.

Finally got the bugger to go down, turned around, washed my hands, went to change my clothes, got back, saw my brother and Jesse in his room, walked in, told them that was the last time I was going to clean up their shit, and all the response I got was, "Hannah, stop fucking lieing, are you too prideful to just admitt that you have man sized shit that smells worse than my Grandpas? You are sick, get out of my sight."

It is one thing to stop a a toilet, but then to be watched while you plunge it, and then be trashed because of it. Besides.... it only happened once... I swear.



"Penis sized shit"

Yet another fine mental image brought to you courtesy of Edgar Frog's "Women's Lib" entries.

But then again....I guess you're probably still thinking about that "corn dog" thing, huh?

 

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