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9:31 p.m. - 2002-09-24
Hooray For Hollywood!
So, I had an audition today in Hollywood, and surprisingly the building I was going to was directly across the street from Paramount Studios.

This is what happened when I arrived:

I was a little early, and I noticed a 7-11 a few blocks away, so I decided to walk down the streets of Hollywood to the 7-11 to buy a soda.

A couple blocks away from Paramount Studios, the street was blocked with trailers and lights and cameras. Traffic was being diverted.

Wardrobe trucks lined the side streets.

They were filming a movie.

I had to walk through the chaos to get where I was going. I didn't see any celebrities. Just a bunch of camaramen and lighting gaffers setting up the next scene.

I walked further down the street towards the 7-11, and passed a man dressed in a full Superman costume walking towards the movie crew. He had a soda in his hand. He passed me, and I said nothing. He had a cape and everything.

"Lame," I thought, "They're filming some shitty new Superman movie."

I didn't even recognize the guy.

I went to the 7-11 and bought my soda, and then headed back past the movie crew again. On the way back, I once again passed Superman, who was standing near the movie set drinking his soda.

"So, uh, what movie are you guys filming?" I asked him.

This was his reply:

"Oh. I have no idea what they're filming. I'm actually not even with the movie crew."

Um.........?

I walked away in a hurry.

Hollywood, if you don't know, is a filthbag of a city. Porn litters the streets, bums and runaway kids sit on every street corner, and there is general filth throughout.

Downtown Las Vegas is the same way. It's not all neon and showbiz.

Here's what happened later that evening, after my audition:

I was walking down Hollywood Boulevard, observing the sights. I had to urinate badly, and I felt like my bladder was going to explode. So, I stepped into a McDonalds and went to the restroom. The Men's bathroom door had a coin slot. It cost 25 fucking cents to get in.

I should've pissed on the coin slot.

Instead, I dug a quarter out of my pocket and went inside. It was a small bathroom. One stall, a sink, and two urinals.

A guy was standing there.

He was not urinating. He was not washing his hands. He was just standing there...

At first I thought he was a bathroom attendant. Some ritzy places have them. They'll squirt soap on your hands when you're done and hand you a towel. Then you have to give them a dollar.

But, even in Hollywood, McDonalds is not a ritzy place. He was not a bathroom attendant.

So, I figured he was patiently waiting to use the stall. But, then I noticed that nobody was in the stall.

I walked to a urinal, unzipped my pants, and pulled out my "partner in crime".

That piece of shit filthbag was just standing there behind me silently.

All I wanted to do was piss and get the hell out of there.

But nothing happened. I waited. Still, nothing happened. "Please God," I thought to myself, "Let the urine flow."

Nada.

I'm not really pee-shy, the way some people are. If I'm at a urinal and 15 other guys are lined up at the urinals with me pissing, I have no problem.

If I was standing at a urinal pissing, and a high school cheerleading squad was in there watching me, I'd put on a show for them.

I bet I could even piss if Superman was watching.

But, I really couldn't piss while that creepy, piece of shit, faggot was standing behind me silently. And I really had to piss. My bladder hurt.

I was thinking of a way to coolly, calmly, get myself out of this mess with no embarrassment. He knew I hadn't pissed, otherwise he would've heard the tinkling.

So, I was thinking of zipping up, turning around and saying to the guy, "Man, it's not working. I guess Mr. Pee-Pee has the day off today."

Then I'd walk out cool as a cucumber.

I thought it would be smooth...and humorous.

Instead this is what happened:

SIMULTANEOUSLY a new guy opened the door to the bathroom and walked in at THE EXACT SAME TIME that the creepy silent guy let out a thunderous fart at maximum volume.

I walked out in a hurry.

To the new guy walking in, it must've looked like me and that silent guy were standing in the McDonalds bathroom having a farting contest.

Fuckin' Hollywood...

I want to wear latex gloves and an oxygen mask everytime I'm there.

For a town that is famous for glitz and glamour, it sure does give me the creeps.

 

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