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10:28 p.m. - 2002-08-14
Lessons for the Ladies
I don't like discussing my sex life in my diary....

Or my penis size....

But, then again, aren't diaries supposed to be private? Aren't you supposed to write about your deepest, darkest secrets?

To me, it seems chauvinistic, tacky, and egotistical to discuss your own sex life, or to discuss your penis size, or how much of a Don Juan you are in bed.

But.....I don't see a problem with quoting somebody else who has discussed my sex life, penis size, and how much of a Don Juan I am in bed.

Well then....

Turns out, my sex life has been discussed in recent months, behind my back. Turns out that my ex-girlfriend, whom I haven't seen in about a year, (and who also happens to be an ex-coworker of mine)...was recently talking to a current male coworker of mine about my sex life.

For some reason, females think that guys give a shit about other guys' penis sizes....or how long another guy can last. I can't count the number of times a girl has told me some bullshit like, "My ex-boyfriend's dick squirted SO MUCH cum whenever he orgasmed. I've never had another guy with so much cum. It was amazing! You want to know how big his dick was?"

NO, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!! LA LA LA LA LA....I'M NOT LISTENING!! LA LA LA LA....PLEASE DON'T TELL ME THIS!!

LESSON #1 FOR THE LADIES: Please, ladies, the only penis we care about is our own. We really, honestly, truly do not care about the shape or size or sexual performance of your previous sexual partners.

So, as I was saying....Today, the current coworker of mine was telling me what my ex-girlfriend had told him about my sexual performance, and my penis size....

Wow. I've never had a firsthand critique!

I found it odd, and slightly creepy, that my male coworker knew what he knew.

It began when he walked up to me and said this:

"Hey, I heard from your ex-girlfriend that you're not very good in bed."

What the fuck?!

I never got any complaints when I was with her....She never told me I was doing anything wrong.

LESSON #2 FOR THE LADIES: Ladies, if you don't tell us what we're doing wrong...we won't know to fix it. And faking an orgasm does nobody any good.

The male coworker of mine explained how my ex-girlfriend had totally opened up to him and told him the details of her sex life with me.

Creepy....

Seriously...Other guys' sex lives don't interest me.

However, my own sex life DOES interest me...and so I asked him to repeat to me exactly what she had told him.

This is what he told me:

"She said you were boring in bed. She said all you liked to do was take her from behind, doggy-style, and you never did anything different. You weren't an exciting partner. She really wasn't impressed with you, but, to your credit, she said you had a big dick. She said it always hurt her because you were so big and she's such a tiny girl."

Interesting.

I'd never heard a girl's honest opinion of me before. I've never known for sure what my sexual partners thought of me.

So, hearing what my ex-girlfriend said was the first review I'd ever gotten.

Hmmm.....

"Boring in bed"

"Never did anything different"

"Wasn't exciting"

"Wasn't impressive"

"Always hurt her"

"Big dick"

Sweet!! Sounds like a perfect review to me!

Sounds like I scored a 10!!

LESSON #3 FOR THE LADIES: "You're boring in bed, you never do anything exciting, you weren't impressive, you always hurt me, but you have a big dick" sounds like:

"Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...YOU HAVE A BIG DICK" when spoken to a guy.

It is a perfect review, as far as guys are concerned.

It is like giving us an A+....

Two thumbs up!

That sure was nice of her.

 

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