12:29 a.m. - 2002-08-12
I will survive!
Oh god...I'm so sore. Every muscle in my body aches. Every bone feels sore. I've been limping around like an old man all day. Plus, my arms are covered in scratches and bruises...And there's some sort of pus-leaking wound on my thumb that stings like a motherfucker...
I feel like I fell off a goddamn cliff while I was drunk last night....
Oh wait a minute...I DID fall off a goddamn cliff while I was drunk last night.
Well, to my credit, I didn't really fall...It was more like I slid down the cliff on my ass, feet first.....and, to be honest, I did it on purpose. It was a gradual slope...I figured I could easily slide to the bottom. It was a calculated risk.
What I didn't plan on was that I would soon be stuck halfway down the cliff, hanging by a branch off the edge of a vertical rock cliff, 60 feet above the ground. What I didn't plan on was having to be a regular fucking Sylvester Stallone in Cliffhanger to pull myself to the top of this cliff in order to avoid certain death. What I didn't plan on was my friend following me down the cliff, and getting stuck himself.
I certainly didn't plan on 3 fire trucks, a paramedic, and two cop cars showing up to rescue my friend with a harness as I was being frisked by police on a "drunk in public" charge.
It was a lot like the movie Alive....except we didn't eat each other. And we were drunk. And we were jailbound.
But, while hanging from this cliff, my friend and I might as well have been hanging on for dear life at the edge of a snow-covered cliff, 5000 feet above the ground, in the Andes Mountains. The possibility of death was the same.
Maybe I better start from the beginning:
As a kid, I was always called "monkey boy"...Not because I look like a monkey or because I had a webpage involving one, but because I am not afraid of heights at all, and I have unusual Spiderman-like climbing abilities. If I see a pole, I climb to the top. If I see a cliff, I climb up it, or down it. And, I'm not happy looking at a tree unless I am sitting on the highest branch up there. I have, often times, publicly challenged anybody to find me a building that I cannot get to the roof of.
After a night of drinking whiskey, my climbing habits can be a slight bit more dangerous though.
In Encinitas, California, there is a section of cliffs high above the beach that are fenced off from the public. Posted on the fence is a sign that says "Danger! Unstable Cliffs! Keep Away!"
Sounds like fun.
So, I hopped the fence, and peeked over the edge...It sure was a long way down. I could see the sandy beach about 120 feet below me....But, this didn't look like a sheer vertical drop. The cliff seemed to be at about a 30-degree angle. It was speckled with vegetation the whole way down.....at least from what I could see in the dark. (It was 4:00 in the morning.)
But, from what I could see in the moonlight, it looked like you could easily sit on your ass, inch your way down slowly but surely, and then slide down to the sand once you got near the bottom.
No problem!
Unstable cliffs my ass! You can't get any more stable than that!
So, I began to slowly inch my way down, inch by inch, taking my time. Gently looking for footholds and hand grips all the way down.
Slow and steady wins the race. And I made it a foot down...and then 2 feet down....3 feet down...and then, WHOOPSY! Unstable cliffs!
The ground collapsed out from under my ass and I went barreling down the cliff, balls first, at full speed....Rocks and vegetation scraping my ass and testicles the entire way down. Finally, I reached out and grabbed onto a plant, which stopped me, and I lay there holding onto the plant...I must've slid top-speed down the cliff for about 80 feet or so. And as I lay there holding on to the plant, I noticed my feet were not touching solid ground. I turned and looked down. I was at the edge of a vertical rock cliff....and I could not see the bottom.
I had grabbed onto the plant in the nick of time. Otherwise, I would've gone shooting off the edge at full speed, breaking at least both of my legs upon landing, if not dying on impact.
The plant I was holding on to was slowly pulling out of the soil from my weight, and I could feel the roots of it snapping. As I tried grabbing onto chunks of the cliff, the dirt crumbled in my hand.....There was nothing solid to hang on to at all.
It was like a fucking landslide waiting to happen.
Here's what's funny: In my drunken state, not realizing the danger I was in, I was laughing the whole time, and I yelled up for my drunken friend to come down and join me. I told him it was fun. So, naturally, he started to come down also, and he ended up sliding full speed down the cliff too, until he got to where I was and grabbed on to a plant also.
His life was at risk now too...
He was a little angry that I had coaxed him down there. Apparently, he didn't think hanging for your life over a dark, rocky cliff, as the ground all around you crumbled, was as fun as I had made it sound.
I guess I just have a different idea of fun than most.
My friend was totally stuck, and when he tried moving, he slid down even further. He feared for his life.
I don't blame him! So I told him to stay where he was.
I knew I'd have to climb up somehow, and so I had this sudden adrenaline rush in me...It is what scientists call "fight or flight"...All of a sudden I had the strength of ten men, and I began climbing up slowly. Every time I looked up, dirt flew into my nostrils and eyes. My arms were shaking from holding on so tight, and I thought my muscles would give out on me. Dirt was collapsing under my weight, and I slid back down about a foot for every two feet I climbed..I got to one point where I was high above my friend, and yet the top of the cliff was far above me still. I was right smack dab in the middle. I saw no safe way up or down, and I was certain I was going to die right there.
I thought we'd just be stuck there all night...all week...and reported as "Missing", until a few weeks from now when two skeletons would be found clutching to the side of the cliff.
To sum up: I used all the strength I could muster, and all my monkey-like climbing skills to get to the top....where two cops were standing, waiting for me. I was thoroughly interrogated, and the rescue team came in to save my friend.
One cop kept calling me a dumb motherfucker and a stupid drunk asshole. He really hated me.
"Didn't you see the signs that said 'Unstable cliffs', you dumb motherfucker? I should take you to jail right now, you stupid prick. I bet your friend feels like a stupid asshole hanging on to that cliff right now, you stupid motherfuckers."
His female partner was a little nicer, and I tried being real friendly to the lady cop. I kept asking her questions about the fire trucks, and what it's like to be a policewoman nowadays, and blah blah blah, like I was a regular fucking Johnny Interested-In-Law-Enforcement.
My friend was rescued, and, we were not arrested.
We managed to get away with just a citation for each of us. The crime we committed, according to the ticket, is "EML on cliff/bluffs"....
EML is the emergency medical something-or-other who rescued us.
It's basically just a trespassing charge.....a misdemeanor.
No biggie.
Still....I'm a little angry. After all, I wasn't the one who got stuck on the cliff, no offense to my friend. I was able to climb up safely all by myself and get help for him. I feel like I should be rewarded, not punished. I deserve a fucking medal.
I'm a fucking hero.
The cops could've at least bought me a bottle of Jack Daniels as recognition for my bravery in the face of danger.
I guess I'll just have to buy myself my own bottle of Jack Daniels next weekend, as a badge of courage to myself.
A Purple Heart, of sorts.
I'll have an official reward ceremony even:
"Congratulations Edgar Frog! This bottle of Jack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey is proudly presented to me...by myself...because of your strength and courage and your will to live, in the face of almost certain death. Now, drink up and go climb on something, you crazy kid!"
And then I'll graciously accept the bottle from myself, and take a bow to myself in the mirror, and give a thank you speech to myself.
"Thank you very much, Edgar, for giving me this fine reward. It is greatly appreciated. I don't really remember what the hell I did to deserve this...I was probably drunk at the time...But I think I will take your advice and go climb on something. In fact, I know of some unstable cliffs down by the beach that are fenced off from the public. I think I'll go try to climb down those tonight. Nobody's ever climbed on them...at least, nobody that I can remember."
Crazy kid.
