2:14 a.m. - 2002-07-08
Boring Computer Entry with Bonus Fun!
This entry is called "Boring Computer Entry with Bonus Fun!" for a reason. It is a boring computer entry in which I use technologically advanced words to explain to you about file transfer protocols and other boring computer topics. But, if you are brave enough to survive the whole boring entry, there is Bonus Fun in store for you!
You slobs probably don't know much about FTP, so here's a brief computer lesson, courtesy of Edgar Frog: In order to see all the fine pictures on a webpage you visit, the creator of the webpage has to upload the picture to an FTP site so your computer can retrieve the image. If the files are deleted from the FTP space, the picture goes bye-bye on the webpage.
Personally, since I'm a cheap motherfucker, I use AOL's built-in FTP site to upload all my pictures. Generally, I use FTP mainly for my Lab Monkey Page....And while pictures in my diary entries are rare, there have been times when I used FTP for Diaryland as well (pictures of the Women's Lib girls, for instance).
Recently, the piece of shit communists at AOL deleted all my FTP spaces on all my AOL screennames, for no good reason....and thus, I lost all my files. All my webpages, all my pictures, everything.
I'm no dummy though....I keep back-up copies of all my stuff saved on my computer, so not all was lost. I just had to re-upload everything back to the FTP space where it belonged. It took about an hour. I just finished re-uploading everything.....and everything is pretty much fixed now, except for two pictures which I didn't have copies of. One was the picture of my E.T. undies, which loyal readers will remember fondly.....so, I had to go back and change my E.T. Underoos entry to compensate for the fact that the picture is now gone. Go back to that entry and see for yourself. The picture is gone. The punchline has been changed.
I mention this because if for some strange reason you breached copyright laws by downloading that E.T. Underoo picture on to your computer, it would be helpful if you e-mailed me it. I don't know why any of you dummies would have downloaded the photo of my E.T. undies, but I guess anything is possible. ALSO: There is a slim chance that if you read the E.T. Underoos entry recently that you just might have a copy of the picture in your temporary internet files. If you're a true American, you'll check and see. If you do have it, hooray! Send me a copy!
Are you still with me? Have I bored you yet? You guys probably don't even know what the hell I'm talking about, huh? Probably still trying to figure out how to use the mouse.
You know what the mouse is, right?
In addition to the E.T. Underoos picture, the other picture which I lost was the photo of my Women's Lib 5 author....the large-breasted girl who wrote about oral sex. If you read the Women's Lib 5 entry right now, you'll see a red X where her picture should be. But, have no fear, I know her screenname! I'll get that picture back soon enough!
I mention this because I have changed my Women's Lib policy. NOW, a photo of each girl is mandatory for display in the diary entry. From now on, not only will you get to read each girl's entry, you'll get to see what she looks like. In fact, I've even gone back and ADDED pictures of the girls who wrote my older Women's Lib entries. See for yourself. Women's Lib 1, 2, 4, and 6 all have pictures now, and, as I said, I'll be getting the Women's Lib 5 picture back soon.
Women's Lib 3 is still missing a photo, because I forgot that girl's screenname. She was the young ballerina who wrote about flatulation. If she's reading this, maybe she'll send me her picture.
Boring enough entry for you?
Did you fall asleep yet with all that FTP talk?
I'm so proud of you for reading all that boring computer crap, and now, as promised, I reward you with bonus fun:
My Women's Lib entries, as I'm sure you know, are a monthly feature where I get a sweet, innocent, cute, cuddly girl to write about the filthy, unspeakable, unladylike topic of my choice. The purpose is to reveal the darkside of the feminine mind, and reveal female secrets to all of mankind.
Also, my hope is that I can honestly say my filthiest topics are written by cute, cuddly girls.....and not by me.
I'm always looking for new Women's Lib authors, so if you're a cute and cuddly girl, and you're interested in joining the Women's Lib ranks, then e-mail me with a mandatory photo of yourself.
For my newest entry, I wanted to learn more about what it's like to have a vagina.
I don't have a vagina, and it's hard for me to imagine having a gaping hole in my crotch. I found a sweet 22-year-old girl who I thought would be perfect to write about a trip to the gynecologist. Also, she has the honor of being the first black girl to write a Women's Lib entry for me. So, this entry sort of tears down racial barriers as well as sexual barriers.....
See how politically correct my diary is?
Here is her picture:
And here's her entry, about a trip to the local gynecologist's office:
What can I tell you about the gynecologist? The long and short of it is that it sucks. I am 22 and I have had 2 gynecological visits. Should be five but what can I say I'm lazy.
My first visit to the gynecologist was at the ripe age of 18. My mother took me, so I could get birth control pills, before I shipped off to college because of her certainty that I am a whore (That may or may not be true.) We went to the public health center to get a free gyno cause my mom is cheap. Anyway - my gyno, Ms. Moon comes in introduces herself, makes a little small talk and then gives me this piece of paper that is half my size and says that I should undress and put it on with the opening in the back - then she leaves for approximately 2 minutes. Of course the opening is almost the whole thing so the partial nakedness is very cold. Ms. Moon then leads me down a corridor with my ass in the breeze to the real examination room. I get on a what looks like a regular exam table/bed in a doctor's office. I am told to lay down. Then I am told to scoot so far to the end of the table until it feels like I am about to fall off - I kid you not. So I dangle for a moment giving my abs a workout. Then the good doctor slides the metal stirrups out of the sides of the table/bed thingie and makes me put my feet up in them. Then I scoot some more. At this point, my ass is only supported by the combined work of my legs in the stirrups and sheer force of will. And I might just be crazy, but I swear there was an air-conditioning vent right above my vagina. Ms. Moon takes this time to ask questions about my sexual history, which I lie about because my mother is one of her friends...She asks me about my last menstruation. Then she says, you may feel a little pressure. And there are the fingers. Two of her fingers in my vagina. I believe that was actually the moment that I stopped liking "fingering". So she continues to press the walls of my vagina and asks if anything hurts. Of course it doesn't but it's still humiliating. Then she pulls out an object that looks like a double sided ice cream scooper only more elongated. She inserts that in my vagina. Then she takes something - I have never actually seen what the hell this next object is, but I hate it - and "scrapes" the inside walls of my vagina. I know whatever it is is metal because I can hear it accidentally scraping against the ice cream scoops. Anyone who says it is not painful in anyway, has either had better experiences than me or has really tough vaginal walls. My eyes actually watered from the pain. She places samples of my vagina on some slides removes the scoops, and then tells me I can unstirrup. She says she'll call me when the results are in and that after I am dressed we will discuss birth control options. And I finally tiptoe back down the corridor, again with my ass in the breeze.
All in all, I am sure that I should go more often for pap smears, cause they are supposed to catch cancer or other abnormalities early, but the scraping does not make me happy. I'm sure the stirrups would be fun under different circumstances....
Wait a minute....you mean that thing isn't REALLY an ice cream scooper?
Oh man.....
I guess I should break the news to the rest of my family....During my grandma's 80th birthday party, when it came time for cake & ice cream, Grandma went into her bathroom to get the utensils. I thought it was kinda odd that she kept an ice cream scooper underneath her bathroom sink, in her "Do-It-Yourself Home Gynecology Kit"....
She's getting so wacky in her old age.
