3:22 a.m. - 2002-07-07
If this is Speed 3, where's Sandra Bullock?
The other day I had an incident on the freeway which I swore was going to result in my death.
At the time, I remember thinking that the ultimate outcome of the situation was going to be this: Me lying dead in the middle of the freeway, riddled with bullets, surrounded by cops, and my car going up in flames.
Pretend you're Nancy Drew. Make believe that you're one of the goddamn Hardy Boys. This is your big opportunity to be a regular Encyclopedia Brown.....as I explain the event that occurred, you try to sleuth your way around the clues and solve the mystery. Figure out which of these choices explains the incident which I involuntarily got stuck in the middle of, while driving down an L.A. freeway: (A.) a hostage situation, (B.) a high speed pursuit, (C.) a drunken cop on the rampage, (D.) a drunken civilian on the rampage driving a stolen cop car, or (E.) a terrorist attack.
The game is afoot.
So, I'm driving down the I-5 freeway through L.A., speeding down the fast lane at about 85 m.p.h., when all of a sudden a cop car comes zooming up the middle lane next to me, darts into the fast lane right in front of me, and turns on his sirens. I immediately begin laughing at the misfortune of the driver who was in front of me, who is now being pulled over for speeding, I assume.
But, the cop car doesn't pull the guy over....instead he darts all the way across the freeway into the slow lane, causing every car to slam on their brakes, and almost causing a 20-car pile-up in the process. Then the cop car zooms back into the fast lane, and it continues swerving wildly back and forth in a zig-zag pattern accross the freeway. I have no clue what's going on, so I slow my roll, and glance at the other cars near me, none of which know what to do either. I immediately begin to wish that I had worn a bullet-proof vest that day, because I have a strong feeling there's going to be gunfire soon. I half-expect to see a speeding bus zoom past me, unable to drop below 50 m.p.h.
Pop quiz, hotshot.
Once the cop has everybody thoroughly confused and driving behind him at 5 m.p.h., this is what he does: He hauls ass towards the center barricade of the freeway, and then does a Hollywood-style, tire-squealing U-turn right in front of me!!
This is L.A., officer, this ain't no Hazzard County!
So, now his car is about 50 yards in front of me, facing the wrong way on the freeway, in the same lane as my car. I come to a complete stop....and the motherfucker begins hauling ass down the freeway at full-speed towards me.
"Jesus Christ, they're on to me!!", I think to myself...."After all these years, they've finally caught me!" I begin trying to remember all the drugs I've smuggled into America from Colombia, all the union laborers I've had assassinated, and all the government buildings I've destroyed......but then I remember, I haven't done any of that stuff! So, why is there a maniac cop driving the wrong way down the freeway towards me in the fast lane?!
I almost shit my pants....which would have sucked because I prefer my vanilla car scent over the scent of fecal matter.
The cop car zooms towards my car, and then before he hits me, he does one final rubber-burning skid in front of me, avoiding a collision, and then announces on his loudspeaker that he wants me and all the other cars to stay right where we are and don't move. Then he turns around and continues zooming up the freeway, leaving me and the other drivers parked where we are. He zooms over to the nearest onramp, announces on his loudspeaker again for all of those cars to stay where they are and not get on the freeway or else.
I really think he said "or else."
Naturally, I begin thinking of a terrorist attack. I'm thinking there's a bomb somewhere up ahead of us on the freeway. Or maybe anthrax has been released. No matter what the cause is, I'm thinking, I bet it's too late to save any of us poor civilians driving down the freeway.
We're goners. Dead men driving.
So, how's your sleuthing skills, detective? What do you think the explanation was?
(A.) a hostage situation, (B.) a high speed pursuit, (C.) a drunken cop on the rampage, (D.) a drunken civilian on the rampage driving a stolen cop car, or (E.) a terrorist attack.
After the freeway was thoroughly cleared of traffic, and the cop had impressed us with his stunt-driving skills, he drove up the freeway a few hundred feet, got out of his cop car and walked across the freeway to the middle lane, where three lawn chairs were lying. He grabbed the lawn chairs, tossed them into the dirt beside the freeway, drove back to where the other drivers and I were parked, and announced that the road was clear and we were free to continue.
"Thanks for your patience."
So, the answer is (F.) Three lawn chairs blocking the middle lane.
Man, in L.A., they know how to make just about anything be exciting and action-packed. On afterthought, I'm surprised he didn't shoot the chairs, him being LAPD and all.
Not even the Dukes of Hazzard would've made such a fuss over some lawn chairs.
I don't know....maybe the lawn chairs were coated in anthrax.
