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3:12 a.m. - 2002-06-29
Saddle Up
In approximately six hours, I'm going to Disneyland to audition to be a costumed character.

One of the costumed characters who walks around and poses for photos with tourists and small children.

They are looking for people who are 5'11" to 6'3" tall.

I am 6'2"....

I qualify.

I'm currently drunk off my ass from Jack & Cokes. Not to mention that I have to wake up in about 3 hours to get ready.

So, at this rate, I'll be at the Happiest Place on Earth in six hours, trying out to be Goofy, with a mean hangover and a case of sleep deprivation.

I'm going to give Disneyland just what it needs.

A dose of reality. A drunken Goofy.

Or a sleep-deprived Baloo.

I hope I get to be one of the characters. I'll have to be a tall character. Baloo, Goofy, the Beast, Bre'r Bear, etc....

I'm leaning towards Bre'r Bear.

He's the one I really want to be. The slow, hunchbacked, hillbilly bear from Song of the South....The one Disney character that nobody remembers except me.

He was always drunk too.

Goofy would be cool too, though. I'd keep a porn stash and a bottle of Jack Daniels in my costume at all times.

While a family of Japs are posing for photos with me, I'll be in the Goofy costume chugging whiskey and falling asleep. The Jap family won't even know.

I'll also be naked in there.

If any little kid tries grabbing my tail, I'll fucking knock him to the ground.

Or, even better, I'll pick him up and toss him onto the tracks of the Matterhorn right as the roller coaster comes around, so it will sever his little body in half and spray blood and intestinal fluids all over the other tourists.

Nobody will have ever seen such a thing at the Happiest Place on Earth.

Goofy gone crazy from whiskey.

I might be too much for Disneyland to handle.

 

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