2:04 a.m. - 2002-06-26
Blast from the past
When it comes to 80's television, particularly cartoons and educational children's programs, I'm a walking encyclopedia.
Speaking of 80's television, does anybody remember when Comedy Central was called The Comedy Channel?
Ah...but does anybody remember even before that, when it was called HA! and the mascot was a cigar-smoking bumblebee?
Does anybody remember the children's show called The Great Space Coaster, where hippie kids traveled through space on a roller coaster with a bulbous blue-nosed character?
Does anybody remember The New Zoo Revue, the wanna-be Sesame Street where a cheaply-costumed frog hung out with a hippo and an owl in a treehouse?
Does anybody remember The Mysterious Cities of Gold, the cartoon about a Spanish kid named Estaban who traveled the world looking for Incan treasure? I keep a MIDI file of the theme song on my computer for good luck.
What about Today's Special? Where the mannequins came to life in the mall after-hours and hung out with a security guard muppet?
Everybody remembers Danger Mouse, but what about Count Duckula? Both were fine British cartoons.
Yes, contrary to what you might think, I didn't sit around watching gangbang anal porn as a kid. I sat around watching cartoons and children's educational programming 24 hours a day. The theme songs and character names and plot summaries are all lodged in the memory banks of my brain.
As a kid, I didn't have the internet.
I couldn't sit around looking at black penises penetrating white vaginas, or women giving handjobs to donkeys.
Also, I wasn't interested in masturbation, my parents wouldn't let me drink whiskey, and I got a spanking anytime I tried to go out in the streets late at night and piss into mailboxes.
So, all I could do was watch cartoons and children's educational programming.
What a sad childhood I had.
Remind me to raise my kids differently.
My kids will live the good life.
"You want to go chug a bottle of Jim Beam with your friends and throw Ziploc bags full of your own feces at unsuspecting strangers, it's fine with me, son......just make sure you're home when the streetlights come on so you can do your homework before you go nighty-night."
I mean, homework is important....
But, at least my kids will live in an internet-based world, where they can download movies of women getting enemas anytime they want.
"When I was your age," I'll tell them, "I didn't even have the internet. I couldn't download an enema movie of a woman spraying liquid shit out of her ass. I just had to imagine it."
My kids will take it for granted though.
They won't know how good they have it.
