9:52 a.m. - 2002-05-30
Summer in the city
You know how I'm sick and have a constant runny nose?
You want to hear a funny story involving my phlegm?
Sure you do...
So, on the way to work today, while driving down the I-5 freeway at about 85 m.p.h., I coughed up a huge wad of phlegm. I was considering just re-swallowing it, but I decided the best thing to do would be to spit it out.
But, there was a car in the lane to the left of me....So I had to hold the phlegm in my mouth for a few minutes until I was somewhat alone, with no other cars near me...which was difficult since it was morning rush hour traffic, and the cars were bumper to bumper.
And as I'm holding the phlegm in my mouth without swallowing, more and more saliva is continuing to gather...So, I know that when I eventually do spit, it is going to be at least a gallon of liquid coming out of my mouth.
Finally, after about three minutes of storing the phlegm in the cheek of my mouth, like a hamster storing food, I get to an isolated point with no cars near me or behind me.
So, while still driving about 85 m.p.h., I roll down the window, stick my head out, and spit......
While driving about 85 m.p.h.....and wind blowing in my face....
Sure, I took the speed and the wind into consideration....I fully expected my wad of phlegm to be blown back onto my own car. "The worst that will happen," I thought to myself, "is that I'll get phlegm all over my back window."
I was wrong....
No, rather, the wad of phlegm made a miraculous 180-degree turn, and landed right back on my face and shirt. Stringy saliva strands waved out the window, attached to my chin.
I had no napkins, so I used my shirt to wipe my face off, which was luckily just covered in saliva...not phlegm.
So where did my wad of phlegm go?
I found out later, when I put my elbow on the armrest of my car door, only to realize that my elbow was in a puddle of moistness, and there was a pile of yellow/green mucus attached to my car upholstery. Not having any napkins, I reached in my glove compartment and pulled out some random paperwork to scoop up the phlegm.
I have no idea what the paperwork was. Probably something important.
Probably my insurance papers or something.
