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10:55 p.m. - 2002-04-22
Edgar the Grouch
I am unemployed now.

I am sending out my resume to various places, but, still it is tempting to sleep till 3p.m., lay around in my underwear, scratch my testicles, balance beer cans on my head, watch reruns of Press Your Luck on the Game Show Network, look at porn, and draw little faces on my penis with a marker.

And that's just from 3p.m. until 5p.m.

There are certain types of unemployed people, much like there are certain types of, say, turtles.

There is the type of unemployed person portrayed by Jeff Bridges in The Big Lebowski, who receives unemployment checks from the government, and is able to live comfortably, despite never working. This type is often the result of being layed off by an overpopulated company. Often, these types still lead productive lives, without the bother of working, as long as they can convince Uncle Sam that they are actively seeking a new job.

Then, there are full-time students, who are paid by Uncle Sam to go to college. There are people who live with their parents and do nothing, and have their lives paid for by their parents. Often these people fall into the 15-21 age range.

Let's not forget retirees who live off Social Security. There's also sons of billionaires (like Chelsea Clinton or Bill Gates' kid, for instance) who will never have to work a day in their life.

There's farmers, who don't work, and instead live off the fat of the land.

There's also the type who is like Joey on Friends: Long stretches of unemployment sprinkled with temporary jobs. The temporary jobs pay enough to get you through the stretches of unemployment.

Many, many types of unemployment.

I am none of those types.

I am the type depicted in the children's television show Sesame Street by the filthy muppet who lives in a trash can, Oscar the Grouch.

I get no money from Uncle Sam, and I will soon live in a trash can. I have no temporary jobs, and no crops to live off the fat of the land.

I am just like Oscar the Grouch.

Like Oscar, I have stopped bathing. And so my body is even beginning to turn green in certain areas, just like his.

I'm also grouchy like him.

And I teach kids valuable lessons, like he does. He uses Sesame Street to teach lessons like multiplication and spelling. I use my diary to teach kids about anal bleeding and masturbation.

We both care about the children, you see. And when it comes down to it, that's what life is all about. I will have hardships in my life, like Oscar, but we will both survive and we will both persevere, despite our obstacles, and all the while we will be educating the children.

Educating while we entertain.

Me and Oscar the Grouch.

There's one difference, I guess. The only one I can think of:

I'm not sure if Oscar the Grouch has quite as large of a collection of midget porn as I do.

But then, who knows what he keeps in that trash can.

 

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