6:22 p.m. - 2002-03-17
Sex me up
As your child gets a little older, you can talk about how gender relates to a child's biological sexual identity: "Dan has a penis and he is a boy; you have a vulva and you are a girl." If your child seems interested, you can continue, "All boys and men have penises; all girls and women have vulvas."
You can offer more detailed information about the names of specific parts of the genitals once your child approaches school age. Four- and five-year-old boys can learn about their scrotum: "Those sacs between your legs are your scrotum; inside them are special parts called the testicles." Four- and five-year-old girls can be told, "The opening between your legs is called a vagina; that tiny button a little ways up from this opening is your clitoris." Both boys and girls can learn that they have buttocks and that the opening there is the anus.
That's an actual excerpt from AOL's Parenting Tips that I stumbled upon.
I was thinking...In an effort to stunt the mental growth of my children, I think I'm going to purposely give my kids bad sexual advice when I become a father. My parents, to my knowledge, never told me that the opening in the buttocks is the anus, for instance. I think it's just something you learn somewhere in school.
But, I think I'm going to teach my son, if I have a boy, that he is the ONLY boy in the world with an anus. From an early age, when I'm diapering him, for instance, I'll tell him how much of a freak he is and how much his anus disgusts me.
"Why is there a hole in your buttocks? What is this stuff coming out of it? Mommy doesn't have one of those. I don't have one of those. Harry Potter doesn't have a hole in his buttocks. You must be a monster. I'm ashamed to have you as my son," I'll tell him.
I think it is important to tell your children, for various reasons, that they are monsters.
As he becomes a toddler and, later, when he reaches school age, he'll probably be so ashamed of his anus that he'll be on the verge of a mental breakdown. When I invite guests over to the house, I'll inform them of my little trick in advance: "Listen, I'm playing a fun trick on my son. I told him he's the only boy in the world with an anus. So play along, okay, and don't ruin the fun." Once they agree to play along, I can introduce my son to them, like, "Meet my freak of a son, who has a hole between his buttocks."
Everybody will pretend to laugh in disgust at him.
"Pull down your pants, son, and show our nice neighbors that freakish hole between your buttocks."
It'll be interesting, scientifically, to see how my son reacts to this.
If I have a daughter, I plan on playing a different trick on her. I'll tell her all about the birds and the bees, but I'll tell her that babies are made when the boy puts his penis inside the girl's rectum. "Why do you think Mommy has such a fat ass? It's because you were growing inside there before you were born," I'll tell my daughter.
I'll remind my young daughter how important it is for her to use her fingers to stretch out her anus, so it'll be big enough for a baby when the time comes for her to be a mommy.
This way, I hope to raise a daughter with an anal fetish.
My future wife and mother of my children may not agree with my parenting tips, so I will not include her in my scientific games. I'll just tell my children to disregard whatever Mommy tells them about the birds and the bees. "Honey, if Mommy tells you that babies grow inside your uterus, she is lying. Babies grow inside your buttocks. Your vagina is gross. You should never put anything in there. And, son, if mommy tells you that everybody has an anus, she is lying to you to cheer you up. You are actually the only freak I know of with an anus."
With this scientific trick of mine, I hope to raise an interesting son and daughter.
I figure my son will probably become a serial killer and my daughter...maybe she'll become an anal porn star. Well...at least they'll both be famous.
I'm going to be such a proud parent...
