12:58 a.m. - 2002-02-01
Farmer's Bullshit
You ever read the Farmer's Almanac?
It's published once a year. It has gardening tips, moon phases, astronomical mumbo jumbo, and weather forecasts.
Tonight, as usual, I was sitting in my bedroom naked while reading the Farmer's Almanac.
"How can they predict the weather," I thought to myself, "when the book covers an entire year. They'd have to predict the weather at least a year in advance."
Here's what the Farmer's Almanac says about their weather forecasts:
"Our long-range weather forecasts are calculated by our weather prognosticator Caleb Weatherbee by using a proprietory formula developed by Farmers' Almanac founder David Young. This formula considers many factors such as sunspots, moon phases, and other astronomical and atmospheric signs and conditions. Since 1818, this carefully guarded formula has been passed along from calculator to calculator and has never been revealed.
Unlike your local news media, government, or commercial weather service, our forecasts are calculated 2 years in advance to allow time for publishing and distribution."
Holy shit, I thought to myself, it should be called the Psychic Farmer's Almanac! Their weather forecasts are predicted two years in advance?! Using a secret formula?! Since 1818?! BULLSHIT, I thought to myself! It can't be true!
So, I decided to check the Almanac for the current weather in California for January 31, 2002.
I couldn't wait to see what it said. Oh boy oh boy, it's going to be so dead-on accurate, it's going to be spooky! This is the greatest discovery ever. Why doesn't every weatherman try to figure out this secret farmer trick? Ancient formulas based on sun spots and moon phases and astronomical conditions....what the fuck?! It's like Harry Potter is giving you a weather forecast! It's fucking amazing! I couldn't wait to see what it said for the January 31, 2002 weather forecast for California.
Here's what it said: "Wet"...
"Wet".....?
WET?!
Well, they're right...I mean, it is wet here...but...I don't know...I guess it's kind of impressive...I mean, they DID predict it two years in advance and all...
Ah, who am I kidding..."Wet" is the sorriest piece of shit weather forecast I've ever heard.
Their weather forecasts are crap. It doesn't take a psychic farmer to guess that it'll probably be raining in California during January. You don't exactly have to be Harry Potter to figure that one out.
I predict that Alaska will be "snowy" in January of 2007! Mark my words! I'm predicting it five years in advance too!
Somebody give me a certificate...I'm declaring myself an official graduate of the Psychic Farmer School of Wizardry...
