Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

2:00 a.m. - 2001-10-03
Shaka Laka Zulu Lulu
Today is my birthday. October 3rd.

I am 23 years old now.

Neve Campbell of Scream fame is turning 28 somewhere in the world, and Gwen from No Doubt is celebrating her 32nd.

Happy birthday, ladies, if you're reading this...

Technically, I won't be 23 years old till 10pm tonight, because that's what time I was born. My birthday was very close to being October 4th, but luckily I popped out of my mom's vagina in the nick of time.

So, now I have to think of things that I want for my birthday, and I've decided that my ideal gift would be a pet African tribeswoman. The kind who has rings around her neck, and walks around with her boobies hanging out all day. And bathes herself in the same muddy river that she drinks from.

I would name her Zulu Lulu, I have already decided. She can stay at my house, and I would have a corner of my room designated for her. I'd fill the corner of the room with cedar chips for Zulu Lulu to sleep on, and she can do her "personal" business in there. I'd give her fresh cedar chips probably once a month.

Zulu Lulu would be so cute. I'd pet her and rub her belly all the time when she did good. She'd have a grotesquely large belly too, from malnutrition...the way the Rwandans and Somalians get.

Don't worry about Zulu Lulu's well being, though....I would take her for walks everyday down by the beach. I'd probably get a ton of local California girls ogling at me......girls think it's cute when a guy is walking his pet.

Girls would see me and say, "Oh, how precious, that guy is walking an Ethiopian tribeswoman."

It is precious, if you think about it.

"But, Edgar, you can't say the things you're saying! That's slavery you're talking about! How do you even have the nerve to write what you just wrote? Slavery is not a thing to joke about!"

Don't worry.....I'm not talking about having a slave, I'm talking about having a pet. I wouldn't be making Zulu Lulu do any work. She'd mostly just lay in her cedar chips and lick herself probably. Nobody would be forcing her to do hard labor......although, I might train her to fetch my slippers or something.

Training Zulu Lulu is the important thing. Like, if she goes poopy on the carpet, the best thing to do would be to rub her nose in it.....so she learns. Or I'll deprive her of supper that night.

She would be spayed, of course, so as to avoid her getting pregnant with a litter of African children....so, that might mess with her hormones. But, if she ever tries humping my leg, I'll smack her on the ass to get her to stop.

Hopefully, she'll consider a smack on the ass to be a punishment, and not a reward....

Otherwise, she'll never learn.

No, Zulu Lulu! Bad Zulu Lulu!

 

previous - next

 

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!