9:07 p.m. - 2001-08-07
Burn in hell, Ronald!
This diary entry goes out to all my homies I lost in the battle to take over the streets back in '86.
My fellow road warriors.
The Chrome Cowboys, they called us.
We left a blazing trail of chaos behind us, as we barrelled through the asphalt jungle using our cycles like machetes.
Even Reagan didn't see us coming.
Our tailpipes tell the tale.
And now Reagan needs Nancy's help to go poopy.
So, who won the battle, Ronald?
Who won the battle.......?
In honor of the 15th anniversary of the loss of my brethren, I will be nice to people from now on. No more gross conversations. Too many young ladies read my diary. I feel like scum when I talk about rectums and bloody feces and vaginas and semen and such topics. The girls aren't into that stuff. Girls don't even have rectums.
From now on, my conversations will all be educational......and informational.
Infotainment.
Like infomercials.
Like the amazing Bowflex machine. I can feel it working out muscles I never knew I had.
Actually, I shouldn't adjust myself to infomercials. Infomercials should adjust themselves to me.
"This new Ab Cruncher I got is amazing. I can feel it tugging on the inner walls of my rectum with every sit-up I do. Thanks Ab Cruncher!"
"Before I ordered George Foreman's new Jumbo E-Z-Cook Grill, the steaks I ate were raw and uncooked, which often caused me to have gastrointestinal worms which would wriggle their way out of my penis at the most inconvenient of times. But with this new grill, steaks are always thoroughly cooked. No more ringworm larvae in my feces! Thanks George!"
"Rust Away is amazing at removing rust, tar, and grime from your car. I had tried everything to get those pesky rust stains off of my car's bumper. Soaps, detergents, nothing worked! But Rust Away took it all off in just three minutes! And Rust Away even removes hair from the shaft of my dog's penis....which makes my dog AND my daughter very happy! Rust Away is awesome!"
I'm not changing for any man.
Not even Ronald Reagan.
