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4:42 a.m. - 2001-05-06
Mummy Dearest
I saw "The Mummy Returns" the other day. It was pretty cheesy. But, it got me thinking:

How come all the mummies are inherently evil? Mummies are just average, everyday Egyptian people who died. I doubt they tried to eat people's brains when they were alive. Or do you just turn evil when you're resurrected from the dead? I'm assuming that if you were a nice guy while alive, that you'd still be a nice guy when you're dead. According to Hollywood though, you're automatically pissed off and evil when you're brought back from the dead.

Look at zombies too. They're always trying to eat people's brains and stuff. Why are they so mean? They're just normal guys who died. Even the animal zombies in Pet Sematary were evil.

Except for the zombies in the "Thriller" video. They were nice guys. They were kind-hearted breakdancers. Ain't nothing wrong with that.

Take Mother Teresa, for instance. If you resurrected her from the dead, would she be killing people and trying to eat people's faces? It's hard for me to imagine that gentle people become deadly when they're dead. So, I guess ALL Egyptians were evil. It was a country full of murderous brain-eaters. And now that they're back from the dead, they're just doing what they did best while they were alive: killing people and eating brains.

What if Egypt had been a country full of Down Syndrome kids? Like Corky on "Life Goes On". Like, if through some evolutionary mishap, every single Egyptian had been a retarded kid. Would their mummies still be evil killers with superhuman powers? Probably not...

Realistically, it would probably just be a bunch of retarded mummies with bandages covering their little, ugly, mongoloid faces. They wouldn't even be a threat. They would be resurrected from the afterlife, and then they would just go sit in the corner of the room and bang their head with a rock, while they drool all over their Osh Kosh B'gosh overalls.

And another thing: Necrophiliacs like having sex with dead people, right? Would they get off with a mummy though? If the mummy was resurrected from the dead, I mean. Because then it's not really dead, it would be breathing and moving and everything. So, that kind of ruins the whole necrophilia thing.

I have a lot more questions I'd like to discuss regarding mummies. I might write my local congressman about them though.

There's a lot of mummy issues which need to be addressed.

 

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