11:18 p.m. - 2001-04-30
Mis Ni�os Locos
You know what I was thinking today? Little kids whine too much. That's all they do. And you have to take care of them. They're too immature to even take care of themselves. By the time a baby raccoon is 4 months old, it's old enough to hunt and survive on its own. It doesn't even need the mother raccoon.
Every other animal has capable infants. Except humans. Human kids can't do jack for themselves till they're like 14. I hate kids.
Seriously though, I love kids. They give me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. The cute little bastards. But, when I have kids, I don't want to hear about their problems all the time. I have too many problems of my own. So, I'm going to hire a Spanish nanny to teach my children Spanish as a primary language. I don't want my kids to know a word of English. They'll still be German-Irish, little blonde-haired white kids, but they'll have the vocabulary of a Tijuana street urchin. Once the kids are fluent in Spanish, I'll fire the nanny so she can't serve as a translator. I want there to be a complete breakdown in communication with my kids. I won't understand a word they say, therefore I won't have to worry about it. It'll be easier to ignore them this way. And since they can't understand my advice and so on, they'll be forced to survive on their own and mature faster, just like little baby raccoons.
"�Papa, Papa! Un puma est� atacando Mama."
"I don't know what you're saying, kid."
"Mi garganta est� sangrando, Papa!"
"It's Greek to me, kid. Leave me alone. I'm watching America Undercover."
So much easier.....from a parental point of view. Translated, it goes roughly like this:
"Daddy, Daddy! A cougar is attacking Mommy."
"I don't know what you're saying, kid."
"My throat is bleeding, Daddy!"
"It's Greek to me, kid. Leave me alone. I'm watching America Undercover."
I'll call them "kid" because I won't be able to pronounce their real name correctly. I'll name my son Guaduluficio or something. A Spanish name so they'll fit in with their nanny.
"Tengo hambre, Papa. Por qu� usted no me alimenta siempre?" ("I'm hungry, Daddy. Why don't you ever feed me?")
"Kid, you crack me up with your goofy language."
