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2:17 a.m. - 2001-04-07
Mass-Production of Swine
As I was stopped at a streetlight today, some old Mexican hag walked in front of my car in the crosswalk. Two little Mexican toddlers were following her, while she pushed a young tot in a stroller. I stared in amazement at her. She was no beauty contest winner. She was wearing some ratty, faded t-shirt for K-ROCK Radio. She probably won it in a contest in 1987. Mexican women like her are always wearing t-shirts that are circa 1987. Not a single Mexican housewife has bought new clothes since the late 80's. They still wear Bart Simpson "Aye Caramba" shirts, and old t-shirts that they won in some contest long ago, or picked up in some gift shop. And they wear them with pride.

"I Walked! Breast Cancer Walk-A-Thon - Orkin, Minnesota - March 23, 1989"

Other people would've turned it into a car-washing rag by now.

You'd be surprised how many people still wear "Support Our Troops - Desert Storm" t-shirts, with a picture of a yellow ribbon.

It belongs in a museum.

At what point do you stop caring? What age? When do you decide that you're going to wear a t-shirt ten years after it stopped being cool? A decade after the graphics on it faded out of existence?

At some point, you need to let go. Move on.

And yet, here she was, with a 15 yr. old K-ROCK t-shirt, a nicely-developed moustache, and a body similar in size and shape to Louie Anderson....and yet she had 3 kids. She's getting action. They were young too. She's gotten some action recently.

Is it the shirts? Is that what old Mexican women use to summon the opposite sex? Like some instinctual mating call? Is an outdated t-shirt the equivalent to a peacock's feathers? Nature's way of wooing the other gender?

Like, "I bought this 'Happy 55th Birthday, Donald Duck (1934-1989) - Disneyland' shirt twelve years ago, and I can still fit it around my massive bosom and manly gut. So, come have sex with me!"

I'm considering testing my theory. I think I may sport a "Chicago Bulls - THREE-PEAT! - World Champions 1991, 1992, 1993" shirt all next week and see how many women I pick up.

 

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